To Keep Living - Monologue Story

*Please take this post with a pinch of salt. There may be no truth to it, there may be fact in it, but nothing is definitive in a story.

There comes a time in many people's life when they feel that they can't continue on living, when they feel that it is best to simply let go. Mine came a few months ago when I underwent surgery.

It was a minor operation, nothing to worry about. The nurses prepped me up and I was administered an anesthetic, nothing I wasn't used to from other earlier operations. What was different, though, was when I woke up.

In the past, whenever I woke up from surgery, the feeling was grogginess, distortion, basically like how Rip van Winkle would feel after all those years of sleeping. This time, however, before I even fully woke up, I remembered hearing the nurse coaxing me, talking to me. "You can't do this. Don't be like this."

I was confused, not being fully awake. It was a few seconds later when my brain finally caught on and I realized...I was crying.

There was no pain so there was no reason for tears. It was a minor operation so there were no emotions involved. It was only later when I realized why I was crying.

I didn't want to wake up.
I didn't want to wake up to this life ever again.

Aimlessly Wandering

Sometimes I wonder...

Why are there times in life when we feel at a lost? I don't mean the lost of someone, but the feeling of not knowing what to do, where to go, who you are. It's the feeling of aimlessness when you have no idea which direction to take.

When you really think about it, all our life, we have been taught, shown, even educated, on how life is suppose to be. From birth to school to work to family to God. It's like everything is so clear-cut.

But what if you don't want to go to school? Most parents think it's better to work for/under someone, but what if you want to run your own business, even if it's risky? What if you don't want to have children, let alone get married? What then?

For some people, they may never have experienced this before. For others, it might be just a bump on the road until they get hit by their true calling. For the select few, this indecisiveness, this lost-in-every-direction, may be an everyday occurrence.

How long does it take before you realize what you want to do with life? It seems as though once you reached a certain age, you're suppose to know what you're going to do and how long you're going to do it. Have you ever talked to some of those people who have everything in their life planned out? The reaction from them when they find out your life is totally unstable, a.k.a not what society expects, is mostly full of confusion and worry. "You're 26. You should be having a stable income and planning to be married." See what I mean about the clear-cut guide to life?

It's funny how those who do not conform to this guide are seen as failures or rebels. My young cousin told me a story about a guy who wanted to be a singer so much, he quit his job, took voice lessons and was endlessly criticized. But...he managed to put out an album. My friend is in his 30s but that didn't stop him from still pursuing his dream of becoming an actor.

When people hear the beginning of the stories, before the people in the stories became successful, they are full of scorn and disdain, and, forgive me for saying, this is extremely truthful among the adults, among those of the old decades.

It is so obvious that the generation of today and of the old are totally different. The current generation marry later, focuses more on career, are more open to risks and untraditional ideas. You'll find that they are more people now who are openly unhappy with their current state of life, who wishes to take a different route even if it means having their close and loved ones argue with their choice.

It's like that song 'Everybody's Free (To Wear Sunscreen)' by Baz Luhrmann, "Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't."

Maybe it's ok to feel lost once in a while. Maybe it's acceptable to not be one of the many sheep of life. Maybe, just maybe, feeling lost is absolutely normal. Maybe it's time to sit back and re-evaluate the life you're living now.

Oh, by the way, whenever you feel lost or sad or anything negative, it helps to listen to Baz Luhrmann's song. I totally recommend it.