This topic has been on my mind for so long that it was just begging me to be let out. The problem with this topic is that it's highly sensitive and has been known to cause temper eruptions, long and loud arguments as well as verbal abuse from those who disagrees with what I'm about to say. But hey, if Dina Zaman (author of 'I Am Muslim') can talk about it in her column in The Star, then why should I keep quiet?
A sudden search for The Star's contact numbers brought me to the online column of Dina Zaman, 'A Writer's Life', who, just a day before my search, wrote an interesting column titled 'Today's Men Not Like Our Fathers' (http://thestar.com.my/news/story.asp?file=/2008/5/22/focus/21309067&sec=focus). Now, before I continue, I would like to give fair warning to ALL Malay men out there to keep an open mind and think before you start lambasting either me or Dina Zaman. If you can't handle it, then please, PLEASE, stop reading.
Ok, so back to the column, Dina Zaman was musing over the question 'Why are the men of today not like our fathers?' Many people she knows are either divorced or are in the proceedings of divorce, and she brought up numerous relationship and marriage cases where the wives are crying acts of infidelity, laziness, irresponsibility and abuse by their husbands.
The first case she brought up was of a girl she met on a flight who asked for her advice. "...her husband now uses condoms with her because he’s been sleeping around, and because he didn’t know where the girls have been and because he loves her, the wife, he’s protecting her. From disease." And Dina's first response to that in her column was, "Wow. Is that love or what?"
Call me stupid or naive but if you love your wife, won't you NOT sleep around with other women in the first place?
Another case that I really must bring up from the column is one I have heard soooo many times and one that I myself have been guilty of: staying in an abusive relationship.
"I see an old friend for tea. She looks like a walking aubergine. Brinjal to you. Her husband beats her up for the heck of it and to discipline her. I ask her, why did she marry him?
She tells me: “Dina, I’m like you. Our fathers were diplomats. We had non-Malay boyfriends. But at the end of the day, semoden-moden kita ni (no matter how modern we are), we think of God. So I married him because of bangsa dan ugama (race and religion). I married a Malay man because I thought of akhirat (Judgment Day).”
She weeps and tells me: “Fat lot of good that did me.”"
Alot of people I know are either married or are in the stages of getting married, and I am very much happy for them and wish them loads of joy. Me? Years ago, I would have looked forward to the idea of being married to someone I love, but now, with a combination of personal experiences and stories, I'm scared shitless!! And in my defence, I am not the only one!!! Even Dina herself is having second thoughts of remarrying, saying, "Marriage is for the brave."
The thing about this divorce and marriage problem is the classic 'he says, she says', or 'the blame game'. Husband blames wife for negligence, nagging, etc, so he decides to find someone who 'treats him as he should be treated'. Wife blames husband for ignorance, infidelity, etc, so she too decides to find someone else, or, worse, get a divorce. Thank the heavens if the couple doesn't have a child or else where will the child stand?
Couples of today don't really attempt to work out their problems. Marriage was suppose to be forever. Do you even remember the vow "Till death do us part" (for the Western marriages lah)? Well, neither of you are dead yet. When something goes wrong with the marriage, they always do one of these choices: (a) divorce, or (b) sleep around or marry another. I am ashamed to say that even the men in my family are guilty of those acts and their father (my grandfather) was akin to Dina's father, who is a successful, practicing Muslim and who is loyal and un-abusive to his family.
Where have the Malay men of yesteryear disappear to? What has happened to their honour? How far have they strayed from the Malay culture and Islam? Would they ever return?
To Dina's musing question 'Why are they not like our fathers?", well, I'm sorry to tell you, Dina, that my father and my father's father are not like your father so perhaps my expectations for Malay men are considerably lower than yours.
Yes, yes, yes, I hear you. "Don't always pick on the men. Why don't you pick on your own gender?" Yes, I do agree that both Malay men and women have changed drastically since our forefathers' time, but my topic today is on men. Don't even get me started on the stories of husband-snatchers, one of whom is my very own step-mother.
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