I was hanging out with a friend yesterday and to my surprise and panic, he started crying for no apparent reason after coming back from getting a drink.
After a few moments of consoling, he finally opened up that he was thinking about his father and how much older he looks now with wrinkles lining his face. He further admitted that he couldn't imagine life without his dad, and mom, and that he was scared of the day when they would leave him.
How many of us have taken our parents for granted, thinking that they will always be there with us, for us? I told my friend that the day he's dreading is inevitable and the best thing is to spend as much time as possible with his parents. Life is short, once you look at it, not leaving as much time as we would like to do all the things we want to do or see.
I, for one, will admit that I don't spend time with my parents. My dad lives elsewhere and I only see him once a week, if I'm lucky, and usually that time is a maximum of 2 hours. As for my mom, even though I live with her, I'm too busy with my current shop to actually be at home or to go out with her. When I'm not at the shop, I'm usually trying to squeeze in some time with my other family members, such as my cousins, and friends.
Though it's bad for me to say, I don't really remember or appreciate the things my mom does for me. My reactions are usually thinking that she's meddling or irritating, but more often, I'ld think that she doesn't believe I can take care of myself. For example, the other day she bought me a bracelet which is suppose to shoo evils away. I remember thinking 'Aiyo, another superstitious thing' and just wore it on my wrist without much thought. When I showed it to my friend, he said, "Wah, your mom really loves you alot". His response struck a core in me, and for once, I became aware of just how much my mom cares for me. She wasn't being a coddling mother or an interfering busybody; she was just being a mom.
It takes a while to actually see that all the things she has been doing for me was actually for my own good or her own way of showing she cares for me. More than half of my life was spent watching and fearing the almost daily bickering and screaming matches between my parents. Though I lost most memories of my childhood, what sticks in my head is the selfishness I witnessed in my parents as they fought without any concern for their young children. I held resentment towards them for so many years for using me as the go-betweener that the thought of them still caring and loving me, and my brother, is simply unimaginable.
I do realize how much older my mom and dad are getting but still I can't seem to bring myself to really go all out for them. Maybe in due time I'll get past the memories and start caring more for my parents.
Friday 19 January 2007
Thursday 18 January 2007
'Seeking Out The Signs'
Yesterday's Star paper had an article on suicide by Dr Herbert Mandell, which listed down the reasons for suicide as well as its warning signs. It was an interesting read but what bugged me slightly was the sentence 'it's best to know the signs of danger'.
Truthfully, in the current world of stress, would anyone even notice signs such as 'crying easily', 'exhaustion', or 'low self-esteem', which to some people are common behaviour when dealing with problems and trials? In a society caught up in self-interest with people too busy going about their daily life, would anyone even care?
Some warning signs can be physically seen such as 'change in appearance', but there are some that are not 'in your face' or not noticable immediately, such as 'decrease in grades' and 'diminished involvement in usual interests'. Usually when your grades drop, people would either scold you or tell you to work harder. You won't see people looking at your low marks and commenting, 'Are you thinking of committing suicide?' As for the diminished interest in activities, people would usually assume that you're too busy or simply lost interest.
Another warning sign is 'creating artwork or writing or listening to music on death/dying'. Seriously, coming from an ex-suicidal person, when someone really wants to die, they would just go and do it. They won't show their writings and artworks or leave it lying around. They would hide their intention from family and friends. Similar to anorexics who would bundle themselves in baggy bulky clothing to hide their skinny figure, force-vomit themselves in a locked and secluded toilet, and cunningly create excuses not to eat. They won't admit they have a problem.
When you can actually see the signs, it means that the potential victim is actually seeking for help by telling you or subtly showing you that they are unhappy or unable to cope with life. They may talk or think about disappearing from the world, but really, they are scared. But like I mentioned before, how many people would actually notice these signs or take time to listen and understand what they are saying?
A few months back, there was another article on depression and suicide in The Star. The author stated that it is not the fault of the victim for feeling worthless, it is the fault of society who does not have any compassion or time to understand them. Once, someone confessed her intention to 'disappear' to a friend, however what she got drove her even further down the depression road. Basically, what the friend did was compare the problems of a suicidal person with the problems of a soon-to-be-wed person, and stated that 'the wedding couple has even bigger problems than you'. So does that mean the person who wants to kill himself is secondary to one who is facing wedding preparations?
Society has gotten so used to death, what with all the reports of people murdering people and people hanging or killing themselves, that the news of suicide is no longer shocking or taboo. Last year, a group of Japanese students killed themselves in a mass suicide around the country. In Singapore, you'll hear case after case of people hanging themselves due to numerous reasons such as debt, low grades and depression. In Malaysia, one suicide case among many was the Indian mother who positioned herself on the railway tracks with her children, awaiting an oncoming train.
The signs are there but would you be able to see or notice it? Even those who tried to let out their intention might not be able to get through to their close ones, unless they say outright 'I want to kill myself'.
Truthfully, in the current world of stress, would anyone even notice signs such as 'crying easily', 'exhaustion', or 'low self-esteem', which to some people are common behaviour when dealing with problems and trials? In a society caught up in self-interest with people too busy going about their daily life, would anyone even care?
Some warning signs can be physically seen such as 'change in appearance', but there are some that are not 'in your face' or not noticable immediately, such as 'decrease in grades' and 'diminished involvement in usual interests'. Usually when your grades drop, people would either scold you or tell you to work harder. You won't see people looking at your low marks and commenting, 'Are you thinking of committing suicide?' As for the diminished interest in activities, people would usually assume that you're too busy or simply lost interest.
Another warning sign is 'creating artwork or writing or listening to music on death/dying'. Seriously, coming from an ex-suicidal person, when someone really wants to die, they would just go and do it. They won't show their writings and artworks or leave it lying around. They would hide their intention from family and friends. Similar to anorexics who would bundle themselves in baggy bulky clothing to hide their skinny figure, force-vomit themselves in a locked and secluded toilet, and cunningly create excuses not to eat. They won't admit they have a problem.
When you can actually see the signs, it means that the potential victim is actually seeking for help by telling you or subtly showing you that they are unhappy or unable to cope with life. They may talk or think about disappearing from the world, but really, they are scared. But like I mentioned before, how many people would actually notice these signs or take time to listen and understand what they are saying?
A few months back, there was another article on depression and suicide in The Star. The author stated that it is not the fault of the victim for feeling worthless, it is the fault of society who does not have any compassion or time to understand them. Once, someone confessed her intention to 'disappear' to a friend, however what she got drove her even further down the depression road. Basically, what the friend did was compare the problems of a suicidal person with the problems of a soon-to-be-wed person, and stated that 'the wedding couple has even bigger problems than you'. So does that mean the person who wants to kill himself is secondary to one who is facing wedding preparations?
Society has gotten so used to death, what with all the reports of people murdering people and people hanging or killing themselves, that the news of suicide is no longer shocking or taboo. Last year, a group of Japanese students killed themselves in a mass suicide around the country. In Singapore, you'll hear case after case of people hanging themselves due to numerous reasons such as debt, low grades and depression. In Malaysia, one suicide case among many was the Indian mother who positioned herself on the railway tracks with her children, awaiting an oncoming train.
The signs are there but would you be able to see or notice it? Even those who tried to let out their intention might not be able to get through to their close ones, unless they say outright 'I want to kill myself'.
Tuesday 9 January 2007
The Starting of a Dream
Well, anyone who knows me in-depth knows that one of my dreams has always been to open my own bookstore, and guess what? The dream came true!!!
While it's exciting and exhilirating to see everything coming alive, it's very, very, VERY scary. Very. I'm telling you, the days leading up to the soft opening were nerve-wrecking, filled with tears. Hahaha, when I think back to those days, I can't help but laugh at myself.
However, I will never forget the feeling, the fear. Even now the fear is flowing in my veins, running me cold all over. The negative thoughts, the potential setbacks, the possibility of failure. Though there were many times I broke down, I have to thank my friends and family for encouraging me on, especially my brother. Without them, most likely Thousand Tales will never even see the light of day, just nestled in my imagination.
We are in Day Three and as expected, business is slow. It has been estimated that business will boom in maybe 6 months due to people moving into the apartments and the business centre opposite us. I'm keeping my fingers crossed. :)
While it's exciting and exhilirating to see everything coming alive, it's very, very, VERY scary. Very. I'm telling you, the days leading up to the soft opening were nerve-wrecking, filled with tears. Hahaha, when I think back to those days, I can't help but laugh at myself.
However, I will never forget the feeling, the fear. Even now the fear is flowing in my veins, running me cold all over. The negative thoughts, the potential setbacks, the possibility of failure. Though there were many times I broke down, I have to thank my friends and family for encouraging me on, especially my brother. Without them, most likely Thousand Tales will never even see the light of day, just nestled in my imagination.
We are in Day Three and as expected, business is slow. It has been estimated that business will boom in maybe 6 months due to people moving into the apartments and the business centre opposite us. I'm keeping my fingers crossed. :)
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