Monsters-in-Law?

"I don't think I want to get married."

I looked up from my book and stared at my cousin, my eyebrows slightly raised. It was a surprise coming from her. I have always thought that marriage was a big issue for her.

"Ok," I started slowly, putting my book down on the bed. "Why this all of a sudden?"

"I don't know. I feel like there's too many problems. I mean, not only are there all the issues with the wedding itself but there's also the insecurities after marriage. Who knows if my husband will stay loyal  to me. And what about the in-laws? What if they pretend to like me but after we get married, they'll start treating me badly?"

There it was, I thought to myself. The dreaded word when one talks about marriage; in-laws.

I come from a family where, unfortunately, the in-laws are not exactly the nicest of people. Yes, yes, I'm sure that there are many people who married into perfectly nice and warm-loving families. I know some of my friends and family did, but if you knew the horror stories we have  seen and heard, you'll know why in-laws are often referred to as 'monsters-in-law'.

Anyway, just to summarize a little bit about my family's in-laws (just so you know that _I_ know what I'm talking about), here's the synopsis. The siblings of the in-laws were all nice and friendly in front of our faces but once our backs are turned, the slander and bad-mouthing start. Partly because of their interference and story-telling, my parents are now separated. May their black souls be condemned to hell for all eternity.

So, back to my post. Sometimes I think, in my humble opinion, the family that we are marrying into expects too much from the new-comer, be it man or woman. It is a little daunting to be setting such a high level on someone who's not from the family and who's only starting to learn the family's ways. It's somewhat like expecting a newly graduated business student to write a business plan that is guaranteed to bring in a billion dollars. It's one small step at a time, just like how babies start out.

There is another reason that may be the cause of rifts between the in-laws and the newcomer; jealousy. I've seen, in my own family, how just a little bit of attention can cause a person to turn into an evil green-eyed monster. Just because the parents-in-law like the newcomer's cooking more or decided to give a present to the newcomer, the original sons and daughters, and sometimes even the other son and daughter-in-law, feel threatened. "Who does this person think he/she is, coming into the family and thinking he/she should get such attention?" It's irrational, it's immature, but yes, face the facts, it does happen.

I'm not trying to paint a bleak picture of marriage nor am I trying to discourage people from getting married but sometimes it is the in-laws who start the crumbling of the marriage. Like my mother often said, 'When you marry, you're not just marrying the girl/guy. You're marrying their family, and their problems, as well'.

There are nice in-laws, like my sister-in-law's family who are very close to each other and the newcomers, but it is your duty to figure out (1) if you want to marry into the family, whether they like you or not, and (2) if you can tolerate the family if they don't like you. For example, one of my ex-boyfriend's mom took him aside one day and asked him if he really wanted to marry someone with my kind of family background. What she said was, "Children usually follow their parents. If the parents are divorced or from a divorced family, most likely the children will repeat history in their own marriage." Do I really want to have a judgmental mother-in-law who branded me without even knowing me indepth?

Not everyone is lucky enough to get in-laws that are warm and welcoming. Those who do, are indeed very lucky. :) Even luckier are those who have a spouse that believes in them, who stands up for them when confronted with the in-laws. My friend's mom is lucky to have a husband who believes nothing his siblings tried to inform him of his wife, which were all exaggerated stories, slander and half-truths. He stood up for her because he knows her for who she is. After all, it is he who married her, who sees her everyday, who goes to bed with her every night, who talks to her about every little thing, who is taken care of by her, who went through tough and good times with her.

Pray that all goes well for you before and after marriage and pray that you will at least get along with your in-laws. If not, then try your best to stick through it all with patience and determined understanding. I hope all goes well. :)