Innocence Lost... or Curious?

About a month ago, my 15-year old cousin asked me about sex.

Inwardly, this was what I was feeling: 'What??????!!!!!?????!!!!!!'

How do you respond to that? When she asked me that, I felt like a parent who was dreading telling their kid about the 'birds and the bees' (why do they call it that anyway? do birds and bees mate with each other?). But outwardly I had to keep a cool face.

But it struck me how fast kids grow up nowadays. I still remember when I first went into college, I saw a group of young girls (they couldn't be more than 15), and they were lepaking at the old wing of 1U, smoking away!! Now I'm hearing from my own cousin's mouth that one of her classmate (also 15) got pregnant and most of her classmates are no longer virgins!! They're not even 16 yet (legal age in US)!! And here's my cousin asking me about sex. (>o<) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What was even scary was when she asked 'What if you find out one of your cousins is not a virgin anymore?' What does that mean???!!! Is that a hint?? Is she trying to say something?? What, what, WHAT??!! NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Hehehehe!!! Actually I'm just exaggerating. Yes, she did ask me about sex and while I was surprised, I decided that she's old enough to know.... a few (tiny, miniscule) things, not in details though. No way, no how.

The older generation believes that our youngsters are out of control. They blame it on everyone, from parents to teachers to society and to the children's peers. I believe that the people around our youngs are actively involved in their upbringing and development but I also believe that the children themselves play a part in the choices they make. They are curious, of course, about how the world is, about every new thing they come across. But the difference lies in them weighing the pros and cons, and knowing what they are getting themselves into.

I'm just thankful that my cousin questions things before she does anything, and I'm especially thankful that she chose to ask me instead of her young friends. This way I can keep an eye on her and her activities.

Ugh, now I'm wondering what other questions I have to face as she goes through her high school.. not to mention college. Groan!!

Sayonara, 2007. Konnichi wa, 2008.

As my cousin said the day before the New Year, "It's the end of the beginning". Or was it "the beginning of the end"? Or maybe it was "the beginning of the end of the beginning". We-ll, whatever. What he meant was, we have reached the end and are now starting a new beginning.

I hope you celebrated the end of 2007 with a joyous and safe BANG!! As usual, whenever the country comes alive and spreads itself to every available space, I stay indoors, ahahha!! It was a quiet night with family and later, with a few good friends, just the way I like it.

2007 was interesting for me. It consisted of alot of 'firsts'. I opened my first business. It also saw the first time I let my dad know how I really feel about our 'family', which was also the first time I scolded him...hmmm, and also the first time I made him totally speechless with my outburst, ahahah.

There was also the first time I told my step-mother off for her put-downs and 'kutuk-ing' of my mother, and the first time I introduced my cousins to my dad's house and his second wife.

However, there was one 'first' that I wished didn't happen because it changed my feelings and ignited distrust towards a particular person, which until this day, I cannot fully let go. In April 2007, I experienced my first punch in the face by a man, and no, it was not accidental. Though he has apologized and though it has been many months since the incident, my family's opinion is very clear and strict on matters of physical abuse, no matter how small. We believe that no man should ever strike a woman and if he did it once, he is capable of doing it again. At this point in time, I am still unsure of how to settle it.

But some bad events actually had silver linings behind them. I lost two 'friends', who turned out not to be true friends so that wasn't bad. I discovered my gardener's adopted son was stealing from us, which was the final push to the family to talk to him about his many problems. There are a few more but I can't pull them off the top of my head right now.

The best highlights for 2007, in my opinion, were the births of my friends' children (three of them and they are all baby girls) and my distant cousin's and my friends' marriage (Jason and Rocky; I feel like I miss someone), and my friends' (Mas and Fir) and neighbour's engagement. I wish them all the best with much happiness. Another highlight is Sean's major, major, MAJOR breakthrough into the acting world. I can see he's having LOADS of fun and I'm very happy for him.

So, like any other year, it was filled with ups and downs; mistakes made, lessons learnt; life lost, new life born. One thing I noticed is that every year, we start out with a fresh new outlook but as the days, weeks and months go by, we start to forget the hope we had at the beginning, and the resolutions too, of course.

I, for one, do not think I will forget my resolution (yes, I did finally make one). My resolution for 2008 is very simple; to take as many pictures as I can. Why? 'Coz time moves on, sometimes without me even noticing it. Thus, I aim to capture the moments, the memories, the people, that fill my life with equal joy, pain, experience, sorrow and happiness. For one cannot possibly say that they enjoyed life to the fullest without taking note of the things, animals and people that accompanied them until the end. Friendster has limited space so for those interested to view whatever pictures I take, please visit my facebook account.

Have a Happy 2008, everyone!!!

P.S: Please don't mind my grammar or seemingly topsy-turvy story-telling in my blog. Right at this moment, I'm having a very bad headache and a cold at the same time. But I didn't want to put off writing this entry a day longer.

Letting Go

Whenever the new year comes around, everyone starts making resolutions, e.g. "Next year, I resolve to eat more veggies", "This new year, I will try to aim for the urinal while peeing" or "For 2***, I am going to smoke less weed and more pot", and so on and so forth. Well, I, for one, refuse to set any resolutions for 2008 'coz it's a well-known fact that they will only last, what, a week (?) at most. So for 2008, I am going to 'let go' of stuff instead of 'making up' stuff, with 'stuff' referring to emotional baggage.

One baggage in particular has been bugging me ever since it reared its ugly head in May 2007 alllllll the way until now, and I seriously need to throw this baggage off for the upcoming new year.

A female 'friend' of mine gave me an ultimatum, "Either you choose me or your boyfriend." Now, in my humble opinion, this is possibly THE most selfish thing you can ask someone but perhaps to you, this is like "So what?" Well, let me explain. Whenever I hear a question like this, it's like a psychopath asking its victim to choose between losing both eyes or both hands. It's like a beloved child having to choose between her mom and dad. Or like you being forced to choose to live with either Freddy Krueger or Jason Voorhees (the hockey mask guy for those who dunno). It's an unnecessary stressful question, which by right no one should ask you aside from God Himself.

I still get ticked off when I think about it. Both are equally important to me; one is my friend and the other is my boyfriend. Now, if the situation persists on me making a choice, this is my priority; 1st is my family, 2nd comes friends and lastly, my boyfriend. When I am married, my husband will then come second. However, the question/decision will be asked/made by me and me alone.

Back to the question. So what choice did I make? I chose to limit my contact with said 'friend'. Why? That is how I am when come face to face with this kind of person. I will automatically not choose the person who asked such a question because I now see that my 'friend' has placed a limit on me, a bar. A real true friend would not hinder or place obstacles in one's path. A true blue friend will help and guide you over the many stones and fences in life, or if unable to, will offer a listening ear. In my view, this friend is trying to make me do things I do not want to, and if I don't do what she wants, she will severe our friendship.

We are no longer children in our early days of pre-school, whereby the most dreaded sentence is "If you friend her, I don't friend you." We are adults learning how to negotiate, to adapt, to give and take, bla bla bla. If you don't like it, move on. Just like the many consumers who may not like MacD's moving on to Burger King or the many investors who may bypass Malaysia and go for Singapore instead. It's no big deal, it's life.

So ever since my 'friend' discovered that I still retain my relationship with my boyfriend, she has no longer contacted me in any way. And surprisingly, I find it to be a relief, like a huge burden is off my shoulder. She has moved on and so will I... once this stupid haunting question is out of my brain, hopefully in time for New Year. Wooohooo!!!!

Steel & Skin

The deal between my skin & the steel has ended...after months of keeping the pact. I now grow afraid of what might come next...what might happen next.

"Houston, We Have A Problem."

It all began like every typical story.

Girl meets boy. Boy is single(?). Girl likes boy and think he's nice. Then God knows why, girl tries to matchmake boy with single cousin. But then girl ends up 'liking' boy. Unfortunately, girl is attached. And sadly, boy is not interested. Sigh.

I never had this problem before but I notice that it's getting a little bit too frequent for my taste, yehhh!!! (>o<) Maybe I need a new brain or a less emotional heart. (^v^) Now instead of trying to find a way to intro him to my cousin, I end up trying to avoid him. Shrug, go figure.

Crime, Logic & Evidence

I've been robbed. Thrice. Within the past 2 months. Altogether it's an estimated total of RM2,600 cash. And all within my room.

I have a tendency to hide money. The first time I remembered doing it was when I was in my pre-teens, when I collected all my coins and hid them under my doll house's hollow floor. After that, I kept keeping whatever extra money I got in a big purse that my mom bought for me. Then I started finding less obvious hiding places and that's how it started. I once had about RM5,000 hidden around until I finally put it in the bank. It's kinda fun to find back money you've forgotten about.

Anyway, about the robbery...

It all started the night before I went off on my trip to Lang Tengah back in September. I remember taking some money from one of my hiding places and if I'm not mistaken, I put the rest of the cash back (I always arrange my hiding places back to its original position after checking on them). However, I only noticed the money was missing a week after that. Nothing else was amissed, except for the ring my boyfriend gave me. Even my gold necklace was left intact.

At first, I thought I misplaced that batch of money and I started a new batch when I received my salary. Same location, different area. This time, since I suspected my brother's new maid is the thief, I checked on the money everyday. However, being so busy with work, there were two or three nights in a row when I came back and went straight to bed. I only noticed that this batch of money was missing on the morning of Hari Raya, and this time, the thief left a physical mark on my hiding place.

At this point in time, I was positive that it was the maid. Why? Because one of the days when I did not check my money, the maid was left in the house alone for almost an hour. When I told my mom about the second batch of stolen money, my mom said, "Maybe it's a toyol (a child spirit that is used by those who practice spiritual magic)." To which, I could only stare at my mom incredulously with my mouth opened and retorted, "Mak, there's no toyol during Ramadhan!" (in Muslim belief, during Ramadhan, all spirits, ghosts, demons, etc are locked up, leaving only humans to roam the world, thus the thief must be human).

To be fair, I considered the possibility that a robber had entered the house. But why steal only money? Why not my gold? And why only my room? And if it was a robber, why isn't my room in a mess the first time I got robbed? This shows it was an inside job. Someone who has time to go through every inch of my room. Thus, the conclusion is, of course, the maid.

However, we couldn't very well accuse her without any proof or evidence. My brother set a hidden webcam in my room while he and his wife turned his house upside-down to search for the money. We never found the money.

Yesterday was the breaking point in my robbery. I was given a stack of RM50s and I wrote down each note's serial number. Then, listening to my instinct, I hid part of the money in my first hiding place and the rest in my second hiding place, both previous areas which were robbed. As usual, the webcam was set and we left it to God. Imagine my surprise when my brother called me in the middle of my busy afternoon that very day to urgently whisper that the thief struck again.

It was my gardener.

Caught on video, he came into my room, rifled through my pillows and climbed my bed to reach my linen closet, which was where the money was hidden. The way he moved shows that he knew exactly what he was looking for and where. He never went anywhere else in my room after that. He took the money and left. The time of robbery recorded was after one o'clock in the afternoon, after he had finished doing the gardening at my house. He comes to do the gardening every Thursday and now that I noticed, the days I did not check my money always consist a Thursday. And at the time of robbery, my mom, aunt, grandmother and maid were downstairs in the hallway, eating lunch. That was how bold he was, most likely because of his first two successful attempts.

We had no choice but to report him to the police, even though his family has been working for us for years. He is now in lock-up at Brickfields, awaiting release. When my brother first saw the footage, his first thought was that the robber was a ghost, an orang minyak, since he was so dark. Then my brother thought the man was still in the house, hidden, because I told my brother that I kept hearing noises from the ceiling. My mom was the one who identified the thief.

It's sad when someone you trust destroys the relationship you have built up over time. What is even sadder is that my mom has always treated this gardener kindly. Yesterday, before he left, my mom even gave him RM50 for Deepavali.

As for me, I feel bad because of my suspicions to the maid. The weird thing was, the night before the recent robbery, I was talking to my mom. I told her that part of me says it's her but another part of me looks at her and says that she's too... pure (?) to be a thief. My brother himself has tested her integrity many times, leaving money all over the house to see if she would take them. Circumstantial evidence points to her as she was the only one around but there were no physical evidence. The only question that kept popping into our heads was 'How could she have known my hiding place when she has only just arrived at our house a couple of days ago?' It's like what Grissom from CSI said, "First opinions are crucial, but if the evidence changes, so must the theory."

My money will be reimbursed by the gardener's uncle and the boy will no longer be working for us. We still keep our gardening contract with the uncle as he and his family are really good people. After settling the matter with his uncle, we are dropping charges and are seeking to release the boy next week so that he can celebrate Deepavali with his family. As for the reason behind his robbery and his method of entering, we are still in the dark but will find out as soon as we can question him.

Close Your Eyes

What do you see when you close your eyes? And I don't mean, close 'close', like closing your eyes to sleep. I mean, like blinking, a second's worth of closing. Well, correct me if I'm wrong, most likely the answer is...nothing.

We blink and what we see in that split second is, well, darkness if we even realize that. Sometimes if you squeeze your eyes real hard for a while, you can actually see weird zigzaggy lines of colours (well, I see them sometimes). But that's not what I'm talking about.

The reason why I'm bringing this topic up is because I keep seeing things when I blink. It's hard to explain and many people would say it's just my imagination but anyone who knows my family's history would understand.

Both sides of my family have dealt with spirits, the supernatural, etc. We've seen ghosts, been plagued by spirits, and had even witnessed someone get possessed. I myself have had two encounters; one by sight and one by sound. But lately, I've been seeing things that, while they don't scare me, does make me wonder why they appear, especially when they have no connection whatsoever with what I'm thinking or talking at that point in time. Heck, sometimes I'm not even thinking about anything.

The first one I remember 'seeing' was a few years back when I was praying. The image was so vivid that I remember every detail even until now. It was twilight in a dark open field. There was a great big tree and underneath it, just a few feet away, was a freshly dug, empty grave. Standing right behind the grave was a 'penunggu' (spirit) with a hood covering its face, looking straight at me. The way it stood, the way it looked at me, I got the impression that the grave was mine and that it was waiting for me. I saw all that within one second and it scared the hell out of me.

The second one I remember 'seeing' is one that I keep seeing over and over; a young girl with shoulder-length straight hair, parted in the middle, looking right at me. The weird thing about her is that I can only see her from the shoulder up, like she's standing right infront of me. But that's not all. The freaky thing is her face keeps turning from human to skeleton. One time I'll see her face and the next, I'll see her skull but with a semi-transparent image of her face over it.

After that, I didn't see anything anymore and I thought, 'Hey, must be my overactive imagination'...until a week ago. This one is really creepy. A dried-up corpse of a woman with holes in her eyes sprawled diagonally over some sort of black furniture, her head almost touching the black ground, her face turned to me. And when I say holes in her eyes, I don't mean blank sockets. I mean, real eyes but with actual holes carved in them.

Yeah, yeah, I know. 'Aslina, you're being paranoid. It's just your usual imagination going berserk.' Well, I will never know. All I know is that I'm writing this down because early this evening, I saw another one and this time, it's a coffin. Thank God I didn't see anything in it.

You're Actually Reading This?

Call me ignorant, call me weird, but until today, I never thought that people actually read my blog. Yeah, yeah, I can hear you saying, 'But, Aslina, your blog is public. Of course people will read it if they see it'. But I never thought that my blog is interesting enough to make people want to spend time to wade through it. I mean, it's all just babble and personal opinions, experiences and stuff. It's not like I'm writing a new theory on galactic time-travelling, or how pink socks go so well with white shoes, or Britney Spears's latest weird antics.

I used to keep diaries which I write in whenever I have something sad, happy or special to relate. But with technology, blogging was born and I converted from written paper to typed webpage. However, the major difference in my diary and my blog is the content. My diary is more of a personal day-to-day happenings while my blogs are more on my thoughts of life, hence the title 'A Malaysian Life'.

When I first discovered blogging and how people from everywhere can gain access to it, I decided to blog only on general not-likely-to-get-trashed issues, and I decided to do it all anonymously (I had a blog elsewhere using a nickname). Why? Because people tend to misunderstand or misconstrue what is written and they tend to use the written word against the writer (just because it's black and white), which usually ensues a giant fight later on (and in some cases, legal proceedings). But now, I decided 'What the heck?'. In this age and time where people say whatever whenever, I might as well practice my so-called freedom of speech. My logic is if people can say hurtful things to my face, then I can write hurtful things to their webpages. That doesn't make much sense, I know, but then again, when do I make actual sense? Hehe.

But thanks all the same for reading. I know you receive e-mails from Friendster whenever someone updates their blog, but for you to actually click the blog link and read the entry from start to finish is not something everyone would do. So from the bottom of my heart, thank you for reading.

The Law of Attraction

There is this one sentence that I read (from a manga, of all things) that stuck in my head for quite some time, and now, I finally understand what it means. The sentence, or more like the scene, goes, "She instinctively felt the attention she was getting from the perm-girl without actually being conscious of it herself."

You know how sometimes you feel yourself attracted to a person, even though you've known them for some time and never had an inkling of getting together or closer to them? Well, in this manga 'Antique Bakery', the character was commenting on how this girl was attracted to a particular 'outcast' girl in school. But inactuality, it was the outcast who had her eye on the girl all this time, making the girl _subliminally focused_ on the outcast. Intuition and instinct was what made the girl increasingly aware of the outcast's existence, even though they've passed by the hall thousands of times and she never thought twice about the outcast.

Well, now, I finally managed to put a finger to that particular feeling that's been bugging me these past months. For some unknown reason to me, I became attracted to and started noticing more of this person, even though I've talked to and hung out with this person many, many, many times. It never cross my mind on having whatever relationship with this one; whether this person was there or not, it didn't use to matter to me.

But now it does.

And the reason behind this attraction? This person related some stuff to me, which answered alot of questions that were bothering me all this while, and also shed some light on this sudden, out-of-the-blue attraction. All this time, this person was focusing on me, making me instinctively turn to the given attention. Well, at least now I know what's with all the gazes and stares, and weird comments.

Oh, what if it was me giving this person attention which makes this one focused on me, and I'm being all 'perasan' thinking this person likes me when it's the other way around? I have no bloody clue and you have to figure it out yourself, ahahahha!! :P

Understand

Kubala khan tugi thiuer nguuung ghoss ghurr wook ghapoi jund caakl premoytenk huqtooobghi froocjlop mnyu hur ie y -----------------------

Understand anything written up there?

When my collegemates and I went off to Australia, we met up with a girl from Mauritius (hope I spelt that right). Unlike us, she didn't come with a batch of friends and classmates so she was pretty much alone. We hung out quite a lot. Language wasn't a barrier as we all speak English. Of course, being Malaysians, we always have the tendency of mixing our English with bits of Malay, which is fine occassionally.

However, there was a guy who kept talking in pure Malay and at times, my dear friends forgot that our Mauritian friend didn't understand and couldn't follow our conversations. My friend and I had to keep translating for her. Translating for her is not a problem, but ever wonder how she feels? Alone among people she thought were friends, alone because some of us never thought about the one solitary figure in the group who doesn't understand our language.

Remember those words at the beginning? That's what I hear most of the time; words I don't understand which eventually lead to a buzzing sound in my ears until I tune them out. Loneliness in a group, that's how I feel most of the time.

With some of my friends, although we are of different races, we tend to favour the English Language. I remember the collegemates I hung out with; we were a mix group from Indonesia, Phillipines, and of course, Malaysia. Majority of us speak Chinese and yet we still converse in English to make sure all of us understand. Even with some of my ex-colleagues, majority Indians or Malays, we still spoke English.

But there are some who, perhaps, don't remember that I don't understand their language. I remember once, I was the only Malay in a group of friends. I regret to say that throughout the entire time, I didn't understand a single word that came out from their mouths. I don't understand the conversation, I don't understand the game they were playing, nothing. I was basically an outcast. Sad to say, that wasn't the first time nor was it the last time.

Unfortunately, I didn't get any support from him. He didn't understand and till today, he still doesn't understand how I feel. What hurts the most is when he said, "You're just one person". I have friends who have partners of a different race and I sometimes wonder if they have the same language barrier like me when they hang out with their partner's friends.

I guess unless you've been in the same shoes, you wouldn't understand. Actually, you most probably won't even realize that you are speaking a language someone right in front of you don't understand.

I envy my brother. Although he is often the only Malay among his group of friends, they respect him enough to speak in a common language. Same with my mom. Her friends respect her enough to ensure that when they're together, they eat at halal places or refrain from eating non-halal food. The same amount of respect is also given to vegetarians, Buddhists who don't eat beef, and so on and so forth.

Does that mean I am not deserving enough of respect from my friends? At times, it feels as though I am only a burden to them, being the odd one out. Just a nuisance. This has been going on for so long that my head and heart aches everytime I go out, and the problem is...I can't even tell him. When I did tell him, he denies it and is just unable to understand. Maybe my family is right, maybe this is just not meant to be.