Whenever the new year comes around, everyone starts making resolutions, e.g. "Next year, I resolve to eat more veggies", "This new year, I will try to aim for the urinal while peeing" or "For 2***, I am going to smoke less weed and more pot", and so on and so forth. Well, I, for one, refuse to set any resolutions for 2008 'coz it's a well-known fact that they will only last, what, a week (?) at most. So for 2008, I am going to 'let go' of stuff instead of 'making up' stuff, with 'stuff' referring to emotional baggage.
One baggage in particular has been bugging me ever since it reared its ugly head in May 2007 alllllll the way until now, and I seriously need to throw this baggage off for the upcoming new year.
A female 'friend' of mine gave me an ultimatum, "Either you choose me or your boyfriend." Now, in my humble opinion, this is possibly THE most selfish thing you can ask someone but perhaps to you, this is like "So what?" Well, let me explain. Whenever I hear a question like this, it's like a psychopath asking its victim to choose between losing both eyes or both hands. It's like a beloved child having to choose between her mom and dad. Or like you being forced to choose to live with either Freddy Krueger or Jason Voorhees (the hockey mask guy for those who dunno). It's an unnecessary stressful question, which by right no one should ask you aside from God Himself.
I still get ticked off when I think about it. Both are equally important to me; one is my friend and the other is my boyfriend. Now, if the situation persists on me making a choice, this is my priority; 1st is my family, 2nd comes friends and lastly, my boyfriend. When I am married, my husband will then come second. However, the question/decision will be asked/made by me and me alone.
Back to the question. So what choice did I make? I chose to limit my contact with said 'friend'. Why? That is how I am when come face to face with this kind of person. I will automatically not choose the person who asked such a question because I now see that my 'friend' has placed a limit on me, a bar. A real true friend would not hinder or place obstacles in one's path. A true blue friend will help and guide you over the many stones and fences in life, or if unable to, will offer a listening ear. In my view, this friend is trying to make me do things I do not want to, and if I don't do what she wants, she will severe our friendship.
We are no longer children in our early days of pre-school, whereby the most dreaded sentence is "If you friend her, I don't friend you." We are adults learning how to negotiate, to adapt, to give and take, bla bla bla. If you don't like it, move on. Just like the many consumers who may not like MacD's moving on to Burger King or the many investors who may bypass Malaysia and go for Singapore instead. It's no big deal, it's life.
So ever since my 'friend' discovered that I still retain my relationship with my boyfriend, she has no longer contacted me in any way. And surprisingly, I find it to be a relief, like a huge burden is off my shoulder. She has moved on and so will I... once this stupid haunting question is out of my brain, hopefully in time for New Year. Wooohooo!!!!
Saturday 22 December 2007
Tuesday 4 December 2007
Steel & Skin
The deal between my skin & the steel has ended...after months of keeping the pact. I now grow afraid of what might come next...what might happen next.
Thursday 29 November 2007
"Houston, We Have A Problem."
It all began like every typical story.
Girl meets boy. Boy is single(?). Girl likes boy and think he's nice. Then God knows why, girl tries to matchmake boy with single cousin. But then girl ends up 'liking' boy. Unfortunately, girl is attached. And sadly, boy is not interested. Sigh.
I never had this problem before but I notice that it's getting a little bit too frequent for my taste, yehhh!!! (>o<) Maybe I need a new brain or a less emotional heart. (^v^) Now instead of trying to find a way to intro him to my cousin, I end up trying to avoid him. Shrug, go figure.
Girl meets boy. Boy is single(?). Girl likes boy and think he's nice. Then God knows why, girl tries to matchmake boy with single cousin. But then girl ends up 'liking' boy. Unfortunately, girl is attached. And sadly, boy is not interested. Sigh.
I never had this problem before but I notice that it's getting a little bit too frequent for my taste, yehhh!!! (>o<) Maybe I need a new brain or a less emotional heart. (^v^) Now instead of trying to find a way to intro him to my cousin, I end up trying to avoid him. Shrug, go figure.
Friday 2 November 2007
Crime, Logic & Evidence
I've been robbed. Thrice. Within the past 2 months. Altogether it's an estimated total of RM2,600 cash. And all within my room.
I have a tendency to hide money. The first time I remembered doing it was when I was in my pre-teens, when I collected all my coins and hid them under my doll house's hollow floor. After that, I kept keeping whatever extra money I got in a big purse that my mom bought for me. Then I started finding less obvious hiding places and that's how it started. I once had about RM5,000 hidden around until I finally put it in the bank. It's kinda fun to find back money you've forgotten about.
Anyway, about the robbery...
It all started the night before I went off on my trip to Lang Tengah back in September. I remember taking some money from one of my hiding places and if I'm not mistaken, I put the rest of the cash back (I always arrange my hiding places back to its original position after checking on them). However, I only noticed the money was missing a week after that. Nothing else was amissed, except for the ring my boyfriend gave me. Even my gold necklace was left intact.
At first, I thought I misplaced that batch of money and I started a new batch when I received my salary. Same location, different area. This time, since I suspected my brother's new maid is the thief, I checked on the money everyday. However, being so busy with work, there were two or three nights in a row when I came back and went straight to bed. I only noticed that this batch of money was missing on the morning of Hari Raya, and this time, the thief left a physical mark on my hiding place.
At this point in time, I was positive that it was the maid. Why? Because one of the days when I did not check my money, the maid was left in the house alone for almost an hour. When I told my mom about the second batch of stolen money, my mom said, "Maybe it's a toyol (a child spirit that is used by those who practice spiritual magic)." To which, I could only stare at my mom incredulously with my mouth opened and retorted, "Mak, there's no toyol during Ramadhan!" (in Muslim belief, during Ramadhan, all spirits, ghosts, demons, etc are locked up, leaving only humans to roam the world, thus the thief must be human).
To be fair, I considered the possibility that a robber had entered the house. But why steal only money? Why not my gold? And why only my room? And if it was a robber, why isn't my room in a mess the first time I got robbed? This shows it was an inside job. Someone who has time to go through every inch of my room. Thus, the conclusion is, of course, the maid.
However, we couldn't very well accuse her without any proof or evidence. My brother set a hidden webcam in my room while he and his wife turned his house upside-down to search for the money. We never found the money.
Yesterday was the breaking point in my robbery. I was given a stack of RM50s and I wrote down each note's serial number. Then, listening to my instinct, I hid part of the money in my first hiding place and the rest in my second hiding place, both previous areas which were robbed. As usual, the webcam was set and we left it to God. Imagine my surprise when my brother called me in the middle of my busy afternoon that very day to urgently whisper that the thief struck again.
It was my gardener.
Caught on video, he came into my room, rifled through my pillows and climbed my bed to reach my linen closet, which was where the money was hidden. The way he moved shows that he knew exactly what he was looking for and where. He never went anywhere else in my room after that. He took the money and left. The time of robbery recorded was after one o'clock in the afternoon, after he had finished doing the gardening at my house. He comes to do the gardening every Thursday and now that I noticed, the days I did not check my money always consist a Thursday. And at the time of robbery, my mom, aunt, grandmother and maid were downstairs in the hallway, eating lunch. That was how bold he was, most likely because of his first two successful attempts.
We had no choice but to report him to the police, even though his family has been working for us for years. He is now in lock-up at Brickfields, awaiting release. When my brother first saw the footage, his first thought was that the robber was a ghost, an orang minyak, since he was so dark. Then my brother thought the man was still in the house, hidden, because I told my brother that I kept hearing noises from the ceiling. My mom was the one who identified the thief.
It's sad when someone you trust destroys the relationship you have built up over time. What is even sadder is that my mom has always treated this gardener kindly. Yesterday, before he left, my mom even gave him RM50 for Deepavali.
As for me, I feel bad because of my suspicions to the maid. The weird thing was, the night before the recent robbery, I was talking to my mom. I told her that part of me says it's her but another part of me looks at her and says that she's too... pure (?) to be a thief. My brother himself has tested her integrity many times, leaving money all over the house to see if she would take them. Circumstantial evidence points to her as she was the only one around but there were no physical evidence. The only question that kept popping into our heads was 'How could she have known my hiding place when she has only just arrived at our house a couple of days ago?' It's like what Grissom from CSI said, "First opinions are crucial, but if the evidence changes, so must the theory."
My money will be reimbursed by the gardener's uncle and the boy will no longer be working for us. We still keep our gardening contract with the uncle as he and his family are really good people. After settling the matter with his uncle, we are dropping charges and are seeking to release the boy next week so that he can celebrate Deepavali with his family. As for the reason behind his robbery and his method of entering, we are still in the dark but will find out as soon as we can question him.
I have a tendency to hide money. The first time I remembered doing it was when I was in my pre-teens, when I collected all my coins and hid them under my doll house's hollow floor. After that, I kept keeping whatever extra money I got in a big purse that my mom bought for me. Then I started finding less obvious hiding places and that's how it started. I once had about RM5,000 hidden around until I finally put it in the bank. It's kinda fun to find back money you've forgotten about.
Anyway, about the robbery...
It all started the night before I went off on my trip to Lang Tengah back in September. I remember taking some money from one of my hiding places and if I'm not mistaken, I put the rest of the cash back (I always arrange my hiding places back to its original position after checking on them). However, I only noticed the money was missing a week after that. Nothing else was amissed, except for the ring my boyfriend gave me. Even my gold necklace was left intact.
At first, I thought I misplaced that batch of money and I started a new batch when I received my salary. Same location, different area. This time, since I suspected my brother's new maid is the thief, I checked on the money everyday. However, being so busy with work, there were two or three nights in a row when I came back and went straight to bed. I only noticed that this batch of money was missing on the morning of Hari Raya, and this time, the thief left a physical mark on my hiding place.
At this point in time, I was positive that it was the maid. Why? Because one of the days when I did not check my money, the maid was left in the house alone for almost an hour. When I told my mom about the second batch of stolen money, my mom said, "Maybe it's a toyol (a child spirit that is used by those who practice spiritual magic)." To which, I could only stare at my mom incredulously with my mouth opened and retorted, "Mak, there's no toyol during Ramadhan!" (in Muslim belief, during Ramadhan, all spirits, ghosts, demons, etc are locked up, leaving only humans to roam the world, thus the thief must be human).
To be fair, I considered the possibility that a robber had entered the house. But why steal only money? Why not my gold? And why only my room? And if it was a robber, why isn't my room in a mess the first time I got robbed? This shows it was an inside job. Someone who has time to go through every inch of my room. Thus, the conclusion is, of course, the maid.
However, we couldn't very well accuse her without any proof or evidence. My brother set a hidden webcam in my room while he and his wife turned his house upside-down to search for the money. We never found the money.
Yesterday was the breaking point in my robbery. I was given a stack of RM50s and I wrote down each note's serial number. Then, listening to my instinct, I hid part of the money in my first hiding place and the rest in my second hiding place, both previous areas which were robbed. As usual, the webcam was set and we left it to God. Imagine my surprise when my brother called me in the middle of my busy afternoon that very day to urgently whisper that the thief struck again.
It was my gardener.
Caught on video, he came into my room, rifled through my pillows and climbed my bed to reach my linen closet, which was where the money was hidden. The way he moved shows that he knew exactly what he was looking for and where. He never went anywhere else in my room after that. He took the money and left. The time of robbery recorded was after one o'clock in the afternoon, after he had finished doing the gardening at my house. He comes to do the gardening every Thursday and now that I noticed, the days I did not check my money always consist a Thursday. And at the time of robbery, my mom, aunt, grandmother and maid were downstairs in the hallway, eating lunch. That was how bold he was, most likely because of his first two successful attempts.
We had no choice but to report him to the police, even though his family has been working for us for years. He is now in lock-up at Brickfields, awaiting release. When my brother first saw the footage, his first thought was that the robber was a ghost, an orang minyak, since he was so dark. Then my brother thought the man was still in the house, hidden, because I told my brother that I kept hearing noises from the ceiling. My mom was the one who identified the thief.
It's sad when someone you trust destroys the relationship you have built up over time. What is even sadder is that my mom has always treated this gardener kindly. Yesterday, before he left, my mom even gave him RM50 for Deepavali.
As for me, I feel bad because of my suspicions to the maid. The weird thing was, the night before the recent robbery, I was talking to my mom. I told her that part of me says it's her but another part of me looks at her and says that she's too... pure (?) to be a thief. My brother himself has tested her integrity many times, leaving money all over the house to see if she would take them. Circumstantial evidence points to her as she was the only one around but there were no physical evidence. The only question that kept popping into our heads was 'How could she have known my hiding place when she has only just arrived at our house a couple of days ago?' It's like what Grissom from CSI said, "First opinions are crucial, but if the evidence changes, so must the theory."
My money will be reimbursed by the gardener's uncle and the boy will no longer be working for us. We still keep our gardening contract with the uncle as he and his family are really good people. After settling the matter with his uncle, we are dropping charges and are seeking to release the boy next week so that he can celebrate Deepavali with his family. As for the reason behind his robbery and his method of entering, we are still in the dark but will find out as soon as we can question him.
Sunday 28 October 2007
Close Your Eyes
What do you see when you close your eyes? And I don't mean, close 'close', like closing your eyes to sleep. I mean, like blinking, a second's worth of closing. Well, correct me if I'm wrong, most likely the answer is...nothing.
We blink and what we see in that split second is, well, darkness if we even realize that. Sometimes if you squeeze your eyes real hard for a while, you can actually see weird zigzaggy lines of colours (well, I see them sometimes). But that's not what I'm talking about.
The reason why I'm bringing this topic up is because I keep seeing things when I blink. It's hard to explain and many people would say it's just my imagination but anyone who knows my family's history would understand.
Both sides of my family have dealt with spirits, the supernatural, etc. We've seen ghosts, been plagued by spirits, and had even witnessed someone get possessed. I myself have had two encounters; one by sight and one by sound. But lately, I've been seeing things that, while they don't scare me, does make me wonder why they appear, especially when they have no connection whatsoever with what I'm thinking or talking at that point in time. Heck, sometimes I'm not even thinking about anything.
The first one I remember 'seeing' was a few years back when I was praying. The image was so vivid that I remember every detail even until now. It was twilight in a dark open field. There was a great big tree and underneath it, just a few feet away, was a freshly dug, empty grave. Standing right behind the grave was a 'penunggu' (spirit) with a hood covering its face, looking straight at me. The way it stood, the way it looked at me, I got the impression that the grave was mine and that it was waiting for me. I saw all that within one second and it scared the hell out of me.
The second one I remember 'seeing' is one that I keep seeing over and over; a young girl with shoulder-length straight hair, parted in the middle, looking right at me. The weird thing about her is that I can only see her from the shoulder up, like she's standing right infront of me. But that's not all. The freaky thing is her face keeps turning from human to skeleton. One time I'll see her face and the next, I'll see her skull but with a semi-transparent image of her face over it.
After that, I didn't see anything anymore and I thought, 'Hey, must be my overactive imagination'...until a week ago. This one is really creepy. A dried-up corpse of a woman with holes in her eyes sprawled diagonally over some sort of black furniture, her head almost touching the black ground, her face turned to me. And when I say holes in her eyes, I don't mean blank sockets. I mean, real eyes but with actual holes carved in them.
Yeah, yeah, I know. 'Aslina, you're being paranoid. It's just your usual imagination going berserk.' Well, I will never know. All I know is that I'm writing this down because early this evening, I saw another one and this time, it's a coffin. Thank God I didn't see anything in it.
We blink and what we see in that split second is, well, darkness if we even realize that. Sometimes if you squeeze your eyes real hard for a while, you can actually see weird zigzaggy lines of colours (well, I see them sometimes). But that's not what I'm talking about.
The reason why I'm bringing this topic up is because I keep seeing things when I blink. It's hard to explain and many people would say it's just my imagination but anyone who knows my family's history would understand.
Both sides of my family have dealt with spirits, the supernatural, etc. We've seen ghosts, been plagued by spirits, and had even witnessed someone get possessed. I myself have had two encounters; one by sight and one by sound. But lately, I've been seeing things that, while they don't scare me, does make me wonder why they appear, especially when they have no connection whatsoever with what I'm thinking or talking at that point in time. Heck, sometimes I'm not even thinking about anything.
The first one I remember 'seeing' was a few years back when I was praying. The image was so vivid that I remember every detail even until now. It was twilight in a dark open field. There was a great big tree and underneath it, just a few feet away, was a freshly dug, empty grave. Standing right behind the grave was a 'penunggu' (spirit) with a hood covering its face, looking straight at me. The way it stood, the way it looked at me, I got the impression that the grave was mine and that it was waiting for me. I saw all that within one second and it scared the hell out of me.
The second one I remember 'seeing' is one that I keep seeing over and over; a young girl with shoulder-length straight hair, parted in the middle, looking right at me. The weird thing about her is that I can only see her from the shoulder up, like she's standing right infront of me. But that's not all. The freaky thing is her face keeps turning from human to skeleton. One time I'll see her face and the next, I'll see her skull but with a semi-transparent image of her face over it.
After that, I didn't see anything anymore and I thought, 'Hey, must be my overactive imagination'...until a week ago. This one is really creepy. A dried-up corpse of a woman with holes in her eyes sprawled diagonally over some sort of black furniture, her head almost touching the black ground, her face turned to me. And when I say holes in her eyes, I don't mean blank sockets. I mean, real eyes but with actual holes carved in them.
Yeah, yeah, I know. 'Aslina, you're being paranoid. It's just your usual imagination going berserk.' Well, I will never know. All I know is that I'm writing this down because early this evening, I saw another one and this time, it's a coffin. Thank God I didn't see anything in it.
Saturday 27 October 2007
You're Actually Reading This?
Call me ignorant, call me weird, but until today, I never thought that people actually read my blog. Yeah, yeah, I can hear you saying, 'But, Aslina, your blog is public. Of course people will read it if they see it'. But I never thought that my blog is interesting enough to make people want to spend time to wade through it. I mean, it's all just babble and personal opinions, experiences and stuff. It's not like I'm writing a new theory on galactic time-travelling, or how pink socks go so well with white shoes, or Britney Spears's latest weird antics.
I used to keep diaries which I write in whenever I have something sad, happy or special to relate. But with technology, blogging was born and I converted from written paper to typed webpage. However, the major difference in my diary and my blog is the content. My diary is more of a personal day-to-day happenings while my blogs are more on my thoughts of life, hence the title 'A Malaysian Life'.
When I first discovered blogging and how people from everywhere can gain access to it, I decided to blog only on general not-likely-to-get-trashed issues, and I decided to do it all anonymously (I had a blog elsewhere using a nickname). Why? Because people tend to misunderstand or misconstrue what is written and they tend to use the written word against the writer (just because it's black and white), which usually ensues a giant fight later on (and in some cases, legal proceedings). But now, I decided 'What the heck?'. In this age and time where people say whatever whenever, I might as well practice my so-called freedom of speech. My logic is if people can say hurtful things to my face, then I can write hurtful things to their webpages. That doesn't make much sense, I know, but then again, when do I make actual sense? Hehe.
But thanks all the same for reading. I know you receive e-mails from Friendster whenever someone updates their blog, but for you to actually click the blog link and read the entry from start to finish is not something everyone would do. So from the bottom of my heart, thank you for reading.
I used to keep diaries which I write in whenever I have something sad, happy or special to relate. But with technology, blogging was born and I converted from written paper to typed webpage. However, the major difference in my diary and my blog is the content. My diary is more of a personal day-to-day happenings while my blogs are more on my thoughts of life, hence the title 'A Malaysian Life'.
When I first discovered blogging and how people from everywhere can gain access to it, I decided to blog only on general not-likely-to-get-trashed issues, and I decided to do it all anonymously (I had a blog elsewhere using a nickname). Why? Because people tend to misunderstand or misconstrue what is written and they tend to use the written word against the writer (just because it's black and white), which usually ensues a giant fight later on (and in some cases, legal proceedings). But now, I decided 'What the heck?'. In this age and time where people say whatever whenever, I might as well practice my so-called freedom of speech. My logic is if people can say hurtful things to my face, then I can write hurtful things to their webpages. That doesn't make much sense, I know, but then again, when do I make actual sense? Hehe.
But thanks all the same for reading. I know you receive e-mails from Friendster whenever someone updates their blog, but for you to actually click the blog link and read the entry from start to finish is not something everyone would do. So from the bottom of my heart, thank you for reading.
Saturday 8 September 2007
The Law of Attraction
There is this one sentence that I read (from a manga, of all things) that stuck in my head for quite some time, and now, I finally understand what it means. The sentence, or more like the scene, goes, "She instinctively felt the attention she was getting from the perm-girl without actually being conscious of it herself."
You know how sometimes you feel yourself attracted to a person, even though you've known them for some time and never had an inkling of getting together or closer to them? Well, in this manga 'Antique Bakery', the character was commenting on how this girl was attracted to a particular 'outcast' girl in school. But inactuality, it was the outcast who had her eye on the girl all this time, making the girl _subliminally focused_ on the outcast. Intuition and instinct was what made the girl increasingly aware of the outcast's existence, even though they've passed by the hall thousands of times and she never thought twice about the outcast.
Well, now, I finally managed to put a finger to that particular feeling that's been bugging me these past months. For some unknown reason to me, I became attracted to and started noticing more of this person, even though I've talked to and hung out with this person many, many, many times. It never cross my mind on having whatever relationship with this one; whether this person was there or not, it didn't use to matter to me.
But now it does.
And the reason behind this attraction? This person related some stuff to me, which answered alot of questions that were bothering me all this while, and also shed some light on this sudden, out-of-the-blue attraction. All this time, this person was focusing on me, making me instinctively turn to the given attention. Well, at least now I know what's with all the gazes and stares, and weird comments.
Oh, what if it was me giving this person attention which makes this one focused on me, and I'm being all 'perasan' thinking this person likes me when it's the other way around? I have no bloody clue and you have to figure it out yourself, ahahahha!! :P
You know how sometimes you feel yourself attracted to a person, even though you've known them for some time and never had an inkling of getting together or closer to them? Well, in this manga 'Antique Bakery', the character was commenting on how this girl was attracted to a particular 'outcast' girl in school. But inactuality, it was the outcast who had her eye on the girl all this time, making the girl _subliminally focused_ on the outcast. Intuition and instinct was what made the girl increasingly aware of the outcast's existence, even though they've passed by the hall thousands of times and she never thought twice about the outcast.
Well, now, I finally managed to put a finger to that particular feeling that's been bugging me these past months. For some unknown reason to me, I became attracted to and started noticing more of this person, even though I've talked to and hung out with this person many, many, many times. It never cross my mind on having whatever relationship with this one; whether this person was there or not, it didn't use to matter to me.
But now it does.
And the reason behind this attraction? This person related some stuff to me, which answered alot of questions that were bothering me all this while, and also shed some light on this sudden, out-of-the-blue attraction. All this time, this person was focusing on me, making me instinctively turn to the given attention. Well, at least now I know what's with all the gazes and stares, and weird comments.
Oh, what if it was me giving this person attention which makes this one focused on me, and I'm being all 'perasan' thinking this person likes me when it's the other way around? I have no bloody clue and you have to figure it out yourself, ahahahha!! :P
Sunday 29 July 2007
Understand
Kubala khan tugi thiuer nguuung ghoss ghurr wook ghapoi jund caakl premoytenk huqtooobghi froocjlop mnyu hur ie y -----------------------
Understand anything written up there?
When my collegemates and I went off to Australia, we met up with a girl from Mauritius (hope I spelt that right). Unlike us, she didn't come with a batch of friends and classmates so she was pretty much alone. We hung out quite a lot. Language wasn't a barrier as we all speak English. Of course, being Malaysians, we always have the tendency of mixing our English with bits of Malay, which is fine occassionally.
However, there was a guy who kept talking in pure Malay and at times, my dear friends forgot that our Mauritian friend didn't understand and couldn't follow our conversations. My friend and I had to keep translating for her. Translating for her is not a problem, but ever wonder how she feels? Alone among people she thought were friends, alone because some of us never thought about the one solitary figure in the group who doesn't understand our language.
Remember those words at the beginning? That's what I hear most of the time; words I don't understand which eventually lead to a buzzing sound in my ears until I tune them out. Loneliness in a group, that's how I feel most of the time.
With some of my friends, although we are of different races, we tend to favour the English Language. I remember the collegemates I hung out with; we were a mix group from Indonesia, Phillipines, and of course, Malaysia. Majority of us speak Chinese and yet we still converse in English to make sure all of us understand. Even with some of my ex-colleagues, majority Indians or Malays, we still spoke English.
But there are some who, perhaps, don't remember that I don't understand their language. I remember once, I was the only Malay in a group of friends. I regret to say that throughout the entire time, I didn't understand a single word that came out from their mouths. I don't understand the conversation, I don't understand the game they were playing, nothing. I was basically an outcast. Sad to say, that wasn't the first time nor was it the last time.
Unfortunately, I didn't get any support from him. He didn't understand and till today, he still doesn't understand how I feel. What hurts the most is when he said, "You're just one person". I have friends who have partners of a different race and I sometimes wonder if they have the same language barrier like me when they hang out with their partner's friends.
I guess unless you've been in the same shoes, you wouldn't understand. Actually, you most probably won't even realize that you are speaking a language someone right in front of you don't understand.
I envy my brother. Although he is often the only Malay among his group of friends, they respect him enough to speak in a common language. Same with my mom. Her friends respect her enough to ensure that when they're together, they eat at halal places or refrain from eating non-halal food. The same amount of respect is also given to vegetarians, Buddhists who don't eat beef, and so on and so forth.
Does that mean I am not deserving enough of respect from my friends? At times, it feels as though I am only a burden to them, being the odd one out. Just a nuisance. This has been going on for so long that my head and heart aches everytime I go out, and the problem is...I can't even tell him. When I did tell him, he denies it and is just unable to understand. Maybe my family is right, maybe this is just not meant to be.
Understand anything written up there?
When my collegemates and I went off to Australia, we met up with a girl from Mauritius (hope I spelt that right). Unlike us, she didn't come with a batch of friends and classmates so she was pretty much alone. We hung out quite a lot. Language wasn't a barrier as we all speak English. Of course, being Malaysians, we always have the tendency of mixing our English with bits of Malay, which is fine occassionally.
However, there was a guy who kept talking in pure Malay and at times, my dear friends forgot that our Mauritian friend didn't understand and couldn't follow our conversations. My friend and I had to keep translating for her. Translating for her is not a problem, but ever wonder how she feels? Alone among people she thought were friends, alone because some of us never thought about the one solitary figure in the group who doesn't understand our language.
Remember those words at the beginning? That's what I hear most of the time; words I don't understand which eventually lead to a buzzing sound in my ears until I tune them out. Loneliness in a group, that's how I feel most of the time.
With some of my friends, although we are of different races, we tend to favour the English Language. I remember the collegemates I hung out with; we were a mix group from Indonesia, Phillipines, and of course, Malaysia. Majority of us speak Chinese and yet we still converse in English to make sure all of us understand. Even with some of my ex-colleagues, majority Indians or Malays, we still spoke English.
But there are some who, perhaps, don't remember that I don't understand their language. I remember once, I was the only Malay in a group of friends. I regret to say that throughout the entire time, I didn't understand a single word that came out from their mouths. I don't understand the conversation, I don't understand the game they were playing, nothing. I was basically an outcast. Sad to say, that wasn't the first time nor was it the last time.
Unfortunately, I didn't get any support from him. He didn't understand and till today, he still doesn't understand how I feel. What hurts the most is when he said, "You're just one person". I have friends who have partners of a different race and I sometimes wonder if they have the same language barrier like me when they hang out with their partner's friends.
I guess unless you've been in the same shoes, you wouldn't understand. Actually, you most probably won't even realize that you are speaking a language someone right in front of you don't understand.
I envy my brother. Although he is often the only Malay among his group of friends, they respect him enough to speak in a common language. Same with my mom. Her friends respect her enough to ensure that when they're together, they eat at halal places or refrain from eating non-halal food. The same amount of respect is also given to vegetarians, Buddhists who don't eat beef, and so on and so forth.
Does that mean I am not deserving enough of respect from my friends? At times, it feels as though I am only a burden to them, being the odd one out. Just a nuisance. This has been going on for so long that my head and heart aches everytime I go out, and the problem is...I can't even tell him. When I did tell him, he denies it and is just unable to understand. Maybe my family is right, maybe this is just not meant to be.
Thursday 19 July 2007
Talk about being MIA
Man, have I been out of action or what? I mean, my Friendster is like totally un-updated. I even forgot I had one. With my mind (what mind?) caught up in so many stuff, I can't even remember to check my mail, my Friendster, even my mailbox (the physical one that comes attached to a house). Speaking of which, I think there was an Astro bill inside. Shit, I better pay it before my Astro gets cut.. for the third time.
Yes, yes, yes, my cousins, I do hear your screams of "Where's our pictures??!! Give us the pictures nooooowwwwww, or suffer the consequences!!" Once I get my head straight (when does that ever happen?), I'll send them to you, as usual, through your Friendster. Just hope some of you remember to make some room in your Friendster album. I think I also have pictures for my high-school buddies. Maybe I should deform the pictures first before I send them, muahahahahhaha!!! Add Jean's head to a little penguin body, attach some flies buzzing around Ah Si, some feathered handcuffs to Joon.... urkk.. let go.. of.. my.. neck.. pls.. fine, no modifications. :(
Anyway, if you did mail me or msg me or whatever, give me a nudge once in a while to make sure (1) I'm still alive, (2) that I reply you, (3) hmmm, is there a 3?
Yes, yes, yes, my cousins, I do hear your screams of "Where's our pictures??!! Give us the pictures nooooowwwwww, or suffer the consequences!!" Once I get my head straight (when does that ever happen?), I'll send them to you, as usual, through your Friendster. Just hope some of you remember to make some room in your Friendster album. I think I also have pictures for my high-school buddies. Maybe I should deform the pictures first before I send them, muahahahahhaha!!! Add Jean's head to a little penguin body, attach some flies buzzing around Ah Si, some feathered handcuffs to Joon.... urkk.. let go.. of.. my.. neck.. pls.. fine, no modifications. :(
Anyway, if you did mail me or msg me or whatever, give me a nudge once in a while to make sure (1) I'm still alive, (2) that I reply you, (3) hmmm, is there a 3?
Thursday 29 March 2007
Another Lost Cat
Okie, first I lost a cute female kitten, Isis, which I strongly believe my neighbour threw away after hearing stories from my other neighbour. Then I lost Ash Burn (Abu Bakar), which I believe either got stolen or injured by a pack of dogs that was wandering around the area. Now, I've lost another cat, Ayun, which I believe was stolen by the contractors and workers doing up the house opposite us.
Call it playing favourites but among all the cats I've lost, the one I miss the most is Isis, maybe 'coz she was a cute little one and was very clever.
Ash was very naughty and was in the end a very very very very bad cat so I didn't miss him much. However, Ayun was also quite naughty but I miss his funny antics, especially the way he sleeps, looking exactly like a human with arms outstretched.
My mom and I have decided not to get another cat unless he/she is plopped right onto our laps. So the only remaining feline in the household is Pablo, who I love dearly. Let's just hope he doesn't go missing too. Sigh.
Call it playing favourites but among all the cats I've lost, the one I miss the most is Isis, maybe 'coz she was a cute little one and was very clever.
Ash was very naughty and was in the end a very very very very bad cat so I didn't miss him much. However, Ayun was also quite naughty but I miss his funny antics, especially the way he sleeps, looking exactly like a human with arms outstretched.
My mom and I have decided not to get another cat unless he/she is plopped right onto our laps. So the only remaining feline in the household is Pablo, who I love dearly. Let's just hope he doesn't go missing too. Sigh.
Saturday 24 February 2007
Another Year Older... Again!!
It's been, hmmm, let's see, 3 days since my birthday. So...alot of people have asked me, "How does it feel like to be another year older?" and "How does it feel to be 25?" Well, in 3 words...
I FEEL OLD!!!
C'mon lah, I'm like half of half a century old now. NOOOOO!!!
It's amazing, at this point in time, how I'm getting much more aware of how 'mortal' I am. I keep thinking that maybe in 25 years later, I won't be here anymore, and that's kinda scary to think about. So let's think about something else, like presents!!
I noticed that as we get older, people don't know what to get you for your birthday anymore. I mean, my brother nowadays will just ask me what I want for my birthday and he'll go out to buy it for me. My dad, hehehe, he just gives me money 'coz he's lousy at picking gifts for girls. My mom is the only one who buys whatever she thinks I will like.
This year was a bit weird. Usually, my family members are the one going all out to wish me happy birthday. But this year, all my friends wished me but my cousins all forgot. Hahahah!! 'Coz they're all too busy with work, boyfriend, you know lah, the normal stuff. But they remembered anyway and I'll see them later today for dinner!! Yeah!!! Time to catch up with the 'gossip' news since the last time i saw them.
I FEEL OLD!!!
C'mon lah, I'm like half of half a century old now. NOOOOO!!!
It's amazing, at this point in time, how I'm getting much more aware of how 'mortal' I am. I keep thinking that maybe in 25 years later, I won't be here anymore, and that's kinda scary to think about. So let's think about something else, like presents!!
I noticed that as we get older, people don't know what to get you for your birthday anymore. I mean, my brother nowadays will just ask me what I want for my birthday and he'll go out to buy it for me. My dad, hehehe, he just gives me money 'coz he's lousy at picking gifts for girls. My mom is the only one who buys whatever she thinks I will like.
This year was a bit weird. Usually, my family members are the one going all out to wish me happy birthday. But this year, all my friends wished me but my cousins all forgot. Hahahah!! 'Coz they're all too busy with work, boyfriend, you know lah, the normal stuff. But they remembered anyway and I'll see them later today for dinner!! Yeah!!! Time to catch up with the 'gossip' news since the last time i saw them.
Saturday 17 February 2007
Appearances
We live in a world based on appearances.
I met up with some old 'friends' I haven't seen in a while these past couple of months. And funnily enough, they all only had one thing to say when they first saw me.
All about how much weight I've gained.
I'm not really sure why people like to comment on other people's weight when they haven't seen each other in a while. What's with the 'Wah, fat already ah you' trend that's going around? What happened to 'How are you?' or 'What have you been up to?'? Why does the first thing to come out from the mouth is on how much weight a person has gained? You won't hear 'Wah, you lost weight ah' as much as 'Wah, so 'prosperous' (fat) ah'.
There are sayings that those who like to comment on people's weight are actually self-conscious of their own weight, and they are actually happy to see other people putting on layers of fat while they either stayed the same or lost some weight.
Having had an eating disorder before (I was anorexic), I know better than to mention 'weighty' issues, 'coz I know personally how some people can feel and react to it. Though they usually smile or laugh with the other person, inside they actually feel down and they get self-conscious. You could say you have hurt their feelings, though intentionally or not, that's your call 'coz you should know.
At a recent wedding, I met an old friend of mine who has gained a considerable amount of weight. Though it's hard not to take notice (I took a loooong look), what I did was hug her and asked how she was. No mention of weight whatsoever. The only time I would call attention to a person's weight is when they are very, very, VERY thin. 'Coz then I get worried.
Some people eat when they are stressed or depressed, which is still fine 'coz at least they eat something, but for those who loses their appetite when faced with problems, they can actually destroy their body in the long run. When you don't eat for long periods of time, your body will eat up your fats and once the fat is gone, it'll start feeding on the rest of your body. Slowly your body will break down as your system shuts down one by one in order to save energy in a bid to survive. For more information, you can read up about anorexia and the effects it has on the body.
Anyway, back to the topic at hand. I'm getting quite sick of hearing the same thing over and over. I know I gained weight, you don't have to tell me. It's my body and as the owner, I should know what's happening to it. Sorry that I'm not living up to your expectations of staying slim and thin all the time but instead of trying to live up to people's mental image of me, I rather be myself. It's not like I blew up into elephant size or anything. But if I ever do, then you have my permission to mention how gigantic I got.
I met up with some old 'friends' I haven't seen in a while these past couple of months. And funnily enough, they all only had one thing to say when they first saw me.
All about how much weight I've gained.
I'm not really sure why people like to comment on other people's weight when they haven't seen each other in a while. What's with the 'Wah, fat already ah you' trend that's going around? What happened to 'How are you?' or 'What have you been up to?'? Why does the first thing to come out from the mouth is on how much weight a person has gained? You won't hear 'Wah, you lost weight ah' as much as 'Wah, so 'prosperous' (fat) ah'.
There are sayings that those who like to comment on people's weight are actually self-conscious of their own weight, and they are actually happy to see other people putting on layers of fat while they either stayed the same or lost some weight.
Having had an eating disorder before (I was anorexic), I know better than to mention 'weighty' issues, 'coz I know personally how some people can feel and react to it. Though they usually smile or laugh with the other person, inside they actually feel down and they get self-conscious. You could say you have hurt their feelings, though intentionally or not, that's your call 'coz you should know.
At a recent wedding, I met an old friend of mine who has gained a considerable amount of weight. Though it's hard not to take notice (I took a loooong look), what I did was hug her and asked how she was. No mention of weight whatsoever. The only time I would call attention to a person's weight is when they are very, very, VERY thin. 'Coz then I get worried.
Some people eat when they are stressed or depressed, which is still fine 'coz at least they eat something, but for those who loses their appetite when faced with problems, they can actually destroy their body in the long run. When you don't eat for long periods of time, your body will eat up your fats and once the fat is gone, it'll start feeding on the rest of your body. Slowly your body will break down as your system shuts down one by one in order to save energy in a bid to survive. For more information, you can read up about anorexia and the effects it has on the body.
Anyway, back to the topic at hand. I'm getting quite sick of hearing the same thing over and over. I know I gained weight, you don't have to tell me. It's my body and as the owner, I should know what's happening to it. Sorry that I'm not living up to your expectations of staying slim and thin all the time but instead of trying to live up to people's mental image of me, I rather be myself. It's not like I blew up into elephant size or anything. But if I ever do, then you have my permission to mention how gigantic I got.
Friday 19 January 2007
Beloved Parents
I was hanging out with a friend yesterday and to my surprise and panic, he started crying for no apparent reason after coming back from getting a drink.
After a few moments of consoling, he finally opened up that he was thinking about his father and how much older he looks now with wrinkles lining his face. He further admitted that he couldn't imagine life without his dad, and mom, and that he was scared of the day when they would leave him.
How many of us have taken our parents for granted, thinking that they will always be there with us, for us? I told my friend that the day he's dreading is inevitable and the best thing is to spend as much time as possible with his parents. Life is short, once you look at it, not leaving as much time as we would like to do all the things we want to do or see.
I, for one, will admit that I don't spend time with my parents. My dad lives elsewhere and I only see him once a week, if I'm lucky, and usually that time is a maximum of 2 hours. As for my mom, even though I live with her, I'm too busy with my current shop to actually be at home or to go out with her. When I'm not at the shop, I'm usually trying to squeeze in some time with my other family members, such as my cousins, and friends.
Though it's bad for me to say, I don't really remember or appreciate the things my mom does for me. My reactions are usually thinking that she's meddling or irritating, but more often, I'ld think that she doesn't believe I can take care of myself. For example, the other day she bought me a bracelet which is suppose to shoo evils away. I remember thinking 'Aiyo, another superstitious thing' and just wore it on my wrist without much thought. When I showed it to my friend, he said, "Wah, your mom really loves you alot". His response struck a core in me, and for once, I became aware of just how much my mom cares for me. She wasn't being a coddling mother or an interfering busybody; she was just being a mom.
It takes a while to actually see that all the things she has been doing for me was actually for my own good or her own way of showing she cares for me. More than half of my life was spent watching and fearing the almost daily bickering and screaming matches between my parents. Though I lost most memories of my childhood, what sticks in my head is the selfishness I witnessed in my parents as they fought without any concern for their young children. I held resentment towards them for so many years for using me as the go-betweener that the thought of them still caring and loving me, and my brother, is simply unimaginable.
I do realize how much older my mom and dad are getting but still I can't seem to bring myself to really go all out for them. Maybe in due time I'll get past the memories and start caring more for my parents.
After a few moments of consoling, he finally opened up that he was thinking about his father and how much older he looks now with wrinkles lining his face. He further admitted that he couldn't imagine life without his dad, and mom, and that he was scared of the day when they would leave him.
How many of us have taken our parents for granted, thinking that they will always be there with us, for us? I told my friend that the day he's dreading is inevitable and the best thing is to spend as much time as possible with his parents. Life is short, once you look at it, not leaving as much time as we would like to do all the things we want to do or see.
I, for one, will admit that I don't spend time with my parents. My dad lives elsewhere and I only see him once a week, if I'm lucky, and usually that time is a maximum of 2 hours. As for my mom, even though I live with her, I'm too busy with my current shop to actually be at home or to go out with her. When I'm not at the shop, I'm usually trying to squeeze in some time with my other family members, such as my cousins, and friends.
Though it's bad for me to say, I don't really remember or appreciate the things my mom does for me. My reactions are usually thinking that she's meddling or irritating, but more often, I'ld think that she doesn't believe I can take care of myself. For example, the other day she bought me a bracelet which is suppose to shoo evils away. I remember thinking 'Aiyo, another superstitious thing' and just wore it on my wrist without much thought. When I showed it to my friend, he said, "Wah, your mom really loves you alot". His response struck a core in me, and for once, I became aware of just how much my mom cares for me. She wasn't being a coddling mother or an interfering busybody; she was just being a mom.
It takes a while to actually see that all the things she has been doing for me was actually for my own good or her own way of showing she cares for me. More than half of my life was spent watching and fearing the almost daily bickering and screaming matches between my parents. Though I lost most memories of my childhood, what sticks in my head is the selfishness I witnessed in my parents as they fought without any concern for their young children. I held resentment towards them for so many years for using me as the go-betweener that the thought of them still caring and loving me, and my brother, is simply unimaginable.
I do realize how much older my mom and dad are getting but still I can't seem to bring myself to really go all out for them. Maybe in due time I'll get past the memories and start caring more for my parents.
Thursday 18 January 2007
'Seeking Out The Signs'
Yesterday's Star paper had an article on suicide by Dr Herbert Mandell, which listed down the reasons for suicide as well as its warning signs. It was an interesting read but what bugged me slightly was the sentence 'it's best to know the signs of danger'.
Truthfully, in the current world of stress, would anyone even notice signs such as 'crying easily', 'exhaustion', or 'low self-esteem', which to some people are common behaviour when dealing with problems and trials? In a society caught up in self-interest with people too busy going about their daily life, would anyone even care?
Some warning signs can be physically seen such as 'change in appearance', but there are some that are not 'in your face' or not noticable immediately, such as 'decrease in grades' and 'diminished involvement in usual interests'. Usually when your grades drop, people would either scold you or tell you to work harder. You won't see people looking at your low marks and commenting, 'Are you thinking of committing suicide?' As for the diminished interest in activities, people would usually assume that you're too busy or simply lost interest.
Another warning sign is 'creating artwork or writing or listening to music on death/dying'. Seriously, coming from an ex-suicidal person, when someone really wants to die, they would just go and do it. They won't show their writings and artworks or leave it lying around. They would hide their intention from family and friends. Similar to anorexics who would bundle themselves in baggy bulky clothing to hide their skinny figure, force-vomit themselves in a locked and secluded toilet, and cunningly create excuses not to eat. They won't admit they have a problem.
When you can actually see the signs, it means that the potential victim is actually seeking for help by telling you or subtly showing you that they are unhappy or unable to cope with life. They may talk or think about disappearing from the world, but really, they are scared. But like I mentioned before, how many people would actually notice these signs or take time to listen and understand what they are saying?
A few months back, there was another article on depression and suicide in The Star. The author stated that it is not the fault of the victim for feeling worthless, it is the fault of society who does not have any compassion or time to understand them. Once, someone confessed her intention to 'disappear' to a friend, however what she got drove her even further down the depression road. Basically, what the friend did was compare the problems of a suicidal person with the problems of a soon-to-be-wed person, and stated that 'the wedding couple has even bigger problems than you'. So does that mean the person who wants to kill himself is secondary to one who is facing wedding preparations?
Society has gotten so used to death, what with all the reports of people murdering people and people hanging or killing themselves, that the news of suicide is no longer shocking or taboo. Last year, a group of Japanese students killed themselves in a mass suicide around the country. In Singapore, you'll hear case after case of people hanging themselves due to numerous reasons such as debt, low grades and depression. In Malaysia, one suicide case among many was the Indian mother who positioned herself on the railway tracks with her children, awaiting an oncoming train.
The signs are there but would you be able to see or notice it? Even those who tried to let out their intention might not be able to get through to their close ones, unless they say outright 'I want to kill myself'.
Truthfully, in the current world of stress, would anyone even notice signs such as 'crying easily', 'exhaustion', or 'low self-esteem', which to some people are common behaviour when dealing with problems and trials? In a society caught up in self-interest with people too busy going about their daily life, would anyone even care?
Some warning signs can be physically seen such as 'change in appearance', but there are some that are not 'in your face' or not noticable immediately, such as 'decrease in grades' and 'diminished involvement in usual interests'. Usually when your grades drop, people would either scold you or tell you to work harder. You won't see people looking at your low marks and commenting, 'Are you thinking of committing suicide?' As for the diminished interest in activities, people would usually assume that you're too busy or simply lost interest.
Another warning sign is 'creating artwork or writing or listening to music on death/dying'. Seriously, coming from an ex-suicidal person, when someone really wants to die, they would just go and do it. They won't show their writings and artworks or leave it lying around. They would hide their intention from family and friends. Similar to anorexics who would bundle themselves in baggy bulky clothing to hide their skinny figure, force-vomit themselves in a locked and secluded toilet, and cunningly create excuses not to eat. They won't admit they have a problem.
When you can actually see the signs, it means that the potential victim is actually seeking for help by telling you or subtly showing you that they are unhappy or unable to cope with life. They may talk or think about disappearing from the world, but really, they are scared. But like I mentioned before, how many people would actually notice these signs or take time to listen and understand what they are saying?
A few months back, there was another article on depression and suicide in The Star. The author stated that it is not the fault of the victim for feeling worthless, it is the fault of society who does not have any compassion or time to understand them. Once, someone confessed her intention to 'disappear' to a friend, however what she got drove her even further down the depression road. Basically, what the friend did was compare the problems of a suicidal person with the problems of a soon-to-be-wed person, and stated that 'the wedding couple has even bigger problems than you'. So does that mean the person who wants to kill himself is secondary to one who is facing wedding preparations?
Society has gotten so used to death, what with all the reports of people murdering people and people hanging or killing themselves, that the news of suicide is no longer shocking or taboo. Last year, a group of Japanese students killed themselves in a mass suicide around the country. In Singapore, you'll hear case after case of people hanging themselves due to numerous reasons such as debt, low grades and depression. In Malaysia, one suicide case among many was the Indian mother who positioned herself on the railway tracks with her children, awaiting an oncoming train.
The signs are there but would you be able to see or notice it? Even those who tried to let out their intention might not be able to get through to their close ones, unless they say outright 'I want to kill myself'.
Tuesday 9 January 2007
The Starting of a Dream
Well, anyone who knows me in-depth knows that one of my dreams has always been to open my own bookstore, and guess what? The dream came true!!!
While it's exciting and exhilirating to see everything coming alive, it's very, very, VERY scary. Very. I'm telling you, the days leading up to the soft opening were nerve-wrecking, filled with tears. Hahaha, when I think back to those days, I can't help but laugh at myself.
However, I will never forget the feeling, the fear. Even now the fear is flowing in my veins, running me cold all over. The negative thoughts, the potential setbacks, the possibility of failure. Though there were many times I broke down, I have to thank my friends and family for encouraging me on, especially my brother. Without them, most likely Thousand Tales will never even see the light of day, just nestled in my imagination.
We are in Day Three and as expected, business is slow. It has been estimated that business will boom in maybe 6 months due to people moving into the apartments and the business centre opposite us. I'm keeping my fingers crossed. :)
While it's exciting and exhilirating to see everything coming alive, it's very, very, VERY scary. Very. I'm telling you, the days leading up to the soft opening were nerve-wrecking, filled with tears. Hahaha, when I think back to those days, I can't help but laugh at myself.
However, I will never forget the feeling, the fear. Even now the fear is flowing in my veins, running me cold all over. The negative thoughts, the potential setbacks, the possibility of failure. Though there were many times I broke down, I have to thank my friends and family for encouraging me on, especially my brother. Without them, most likely Thousand Tales will never even see the light of day, just nestled in my imagination.
We are in Day Three and as expected, business is slow. It has been estimated that business will boom in maybe 6 months due to people moving into the apartments and the business centre opposite us. I'm keeping my fingers crossed. :)
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