Understand

Kubala khan tugi thiuer nguuung ghoss ghurr wook ghapoi jund caakl premoytenk huqtooobghi froocjlop mnyu hur ie y -----------------------

Understand anything written up there?

When my collegemates and I went off to Australia, we met up with a girl from Mauritius (hope I spelt that right). Unlike us, she didn't come with a batch of friends and classmates so she was pretty much alone. We hung out quite a lot. Language wasn't a barrier as we all speak English. Of course, being Malaysians, we always have the tendency of mixing our English with bits of Malay, which is fine occassionally.

However, there was a guy who kept talking in pure Malay and at times, my dear friends forgot that our Mauritian friend didn't understand and couldn't follow our conversations. My friend and I had to keep translating for her. Translating for her is not a problem, but ever wonder how she feels? Alone among people she thought were friends, alone because some of us never thought about the one solitary figure in the group who doesn't understand our language.

Remember those words at the beginning? That's what I hear most of the time; words I don't understand which eventually lead to a buzzing sound in my ears until I tune them out. Loneliness in a group, that's how I feel most of the time.

With some of my friends, although we are of different races, we tend to favour the English Language. I remember the collegemates I hung out with; we were a mix group from Indonesia, Phillipines, and of course, Malaysia. Majority of us speak Chinese and yet we still converse in English to make sure all of us understand. Even with some of my ex-colleagues, majority Indians or Malays, we still spoke English.

But there are some who, perhaps, don't remember that I don't understand their language. I remember once, I was the only Malay in a group of friends. I regret to say that throughout the entire time, I didn't understand a single word that came out from their mouths. I don't understand the conversation, I don't understand the game they were playing, nothing. I was basically an outcast. Sad to say, that wasn't the first time nor was it the last time.

Unfortunately, I didn't get any support from him. He didn't understand and till today, he still doesn't understand how I feel. What hurts the most is when he said, "You're just one person". I have friends who have partners of a different race and I sometimes wonder if they have the same language barrier like me when they hang out with their partner's friends.

I guess unless you've been in the same shoes, you wouldn't understand. Actually, you most probably won't even realize that you are speaking a language someone right in front of you don't understand.

I envy my brother. Although he is often the only Malay among his group of friends, they respect him enough to speak in a common language. Same with my mom. Her friends respect her enough to ensure that when they're together, they eat at halal places or refrain from eating non-halal food. The same amount of respect is also given to vegetarians, Buddhists who don't eat beef, and so on and so forth.

Does that mean I am not deserving enough of respect from my friends? At times, it feels as though I am only a burden to them, being the odd one out. Just a nuisance. This has been going on for so long that my head and heart aches everytime I go out, and the problem is...I can't even tell him. When I did tell him, he denies it and is just unable to understand. Maybe my family is right, maybe this is just not meant to be.

Talk about being MIA

Man, have I been out of action or what? I mean, my Friendster is like totally un-updated. I even forgot I had one. With my mind (what mind?) caught up in so many stuff, I can't even remember to check my mail, my Friendster, even my mailbox (the physical one that comes attached to a house). Speaking of which, I think there was an Astro bill inside. Shit, I better pay it before my Astro gets cut.. for the third time.

Yes, yes, yes, my cousins, I do hear your screams of "Where's our pictures??!! Give us the pictures nooooowwwwww, or suffer the consequences!!" Once I get my head straight (when does that ever happen?), I'll send them to you, as usual, through your Friendster. Just hope some of you remember to make some room in your Friendster album. I think I also have pictures for my high-school buddies. Maybe I should deform the pictures first before I send them, muahahahahhaha!!! Add Jean's head to a little penguin body, attach some flies buzzing around Ah Si, some feathered handcuffs to Joon.... urkk.. let go.. of.. my.. neck.. pls.. fine, no modifications. :(

Anyway, if you did mail me or msg me or whatever, give me a nudge once in a while to make sure (1) I'm still alive, (2) that I reply you, (3) hmmm, is there a 3?

Another Lost Cat

Okie, first I lost a cute female kitten, Isis, which I strongly believe my neighbour threw away after hearing stories from my other neighbour. Then I lost Ash Burn (Abu Bakar), which I believe either got stolen or injured by a pack of dogs that was wandering around the area. Now, I've lost another cat, Ayun, which I believe was stolen by the contractors and workers doing up the house opposite us.

Call it playing favourites but among all the cats I've lost, the one I miss the most is Isis, maybe 'coz she was a cute little one and was very clever.

Ash was very naughty and was in the end a very very very very bad cat so I didn't miss him much. However, Ayun was also quite naughty but I miss his funny antics, especially the way he sleeps, looking exactly like a human with arms outstretched.

My mom and I have decided not to get another cat unless he/she is plopped right onto our laps. So the only remaining feline in the household is Pablo, who I love dearly. Let's just hope he doesn't go missing too. Sigh.

Another Year Older... Again!!

It's been, hmmm, let's see, 3 days since my birthday. So...alot of people have asked me, "How does it feel like to be another year older?" and "How does it feel to be 25?" Well, in 3 words...

I FEEL OLD!!!

C'mon lah, I'm like half of half a century old now. NOOOOO!!!

It's amazing, at this point in time, how I'm getting much more aware of how 'mortal' I am. I keep thinking that maybe in 25 years later, I won't be here anymore, and that's kinda scary to think about. So let's think about something else, like presents!!

I noticed that as we get older, people don't know what to get you for your birthday anymore. I mean, my brother nowadays will just ask me what I want for my birthday and he'll go out to buy it for me. My dad, hehehe, he just gives me money 'coz he's lousy at picking gifts for girls. My mom is the only one who buys whatever she thinks I will like.

This year was a bit weird. Usually, my family members are the one going all out to wish me happy birthday. But this year, all my friends wished me but my cousins all forgot. Hahahah!! 'Coz they're all too busy with work, boyfriend, you know lah, the normal stuff. But they remembered anyway and I'll see them later today for dinner!! Yeah!!! Time to catch up with the 'gossip' news since the last time i saw them.

Appearances

We live in a world based on appearances.

I met up with some old 'friends' I haven't seen in a while these past couple of months. And funnily enough, they all only had one thing to say when they first saw me.

All about how much weight I've gained.

I'm not really sure why people like to comment on other people's weight when they haven't seen each other in a while. What's with the 'Wah, fat already ah you' trend that's going around? What happened to 'How are you?' or 'What have you been up to?'? Why does the first thing to come out from the mouth is on how much weight a person has gained? You won't hear 'Wah, you lost weight ah' as much as 'Wah, so 'prosperous' (fat) ah'.

There are sayings that those who like to comment on people's weight are actually self-conscious of their own weight, and they are actually happy to see other people putting on layers of fat while they either stayed the same or lost some weight.

Having had an eating disorder before (I was anorexic), I know better than to mention 'weighty' issues, 'coz I know personally how some people can feel and react to it. Though they usually smile or laugh with the other person, inside they actually feel down and they get self-conscious. You could say you have hurt their feelings, though intentionally or not, that's your call 'coz you should know.

At a recent wedding, I met an old friend of mine who has gained a considerable amount of weight. Though it's hard not to take notice (I took a loooong look), what I did was hug her and asked how she was. No mention of weight whatsoever. The only time I would call attention to a person's weight is when they are very, very, VERY thin. 'Coz then I get worried.

Some people eat when they are stressed or depressed, which is still fine 'coz at least they eat something, but for those who loses their appetite when faced with problems, they can actually destroy their body in the long run. When you don't eat for long periods of time, your body will eat up your fats and once the fat is gone, it'll start feeding on the rest of your body. Slowly your body will break down as your system shuts down one by one in order to save energy in a bid to survive. For more information, you can read up about anorexia and the effects it has on the body.

Anyway, back to the topic at hand. I'm getting quite sick of hearing the same thing over and over. I know I gained weight, you don't have to tell me. It's my body and as the owner, I should know what's happening to it. Sorry that I'm not living up to your expectations of staying slim and thin all the time but instead of trying to live up to people's mental image of me, I rather be myself. It's not like I blew up into elephant size or anything. But if I ever do, then you have my permission to mention how gigantic I got.

Beloved Parents

I was hanging out with a friend yesterday and to my surprise and panic, he started crying for no apparent reason after coming back from getting a drink.

After a few moments of consoling, he finally opened up that he was thinking about his father and how much older he looks now with wrinkles lining his face. He further admitted that he couldn't imagine life without his dad, and mom, and that he was scared of the day when they would leave him.

How many of us have taken our parents for granted, thinking that they will always be there with us, for us? I told my friend that the day he's dreading is inevitable and the best thing is to spend as much time as possible with his parents. Life is short, once you look at it, not leaving as much time as we would like to do all the things we want to do or see.

I, for one, will admit that I don't spend time with my parents. My dad lives elsewhere and I only see him once a week, if I'm lucky, and usually that time is a maximum of 2 hours. As for my mom, even though I live with her, I'm too busy with my current shop to actually be at home or to go out with her. When I'm not at the shop, I'm usually trying to squeeze in some time with my other family members, such as my cousins, and friends.

Though it's bad for me to say, I don't really remember or appreciate the things my mom does for me. My reactions are usually thinking that she's meddling or irritating, but more often, I'ld think that she doesn't believe I can take care of myself. For example, the other day she bought me a bracelet which is suppose to shoo evils away. I remember thinking 'Aiyo, another superstitious thing' and just wore it on my wrist without much thought. When I showed it to my friend, he said, "Wah, your mom really loves you alot". His response struck a core in me, and for once, I became aware of just how much my mom cares for me. She wasn't being a coddling mother or an interfering busybody; she was just being a mom.

It takes a while to actually see that all the things she has been doing for me was actually for my own good or her own way of showing she cares for me. More than half of my life was spent watching and fearing the almost daily bickering and screaming matches between my parents. Though I lost most memories of my childhood, what sticks in my head is the selfishness I witnessed in my parents as they fought without any concern for their young children. I held resentment towards them for so many years for using me as the go-betweener that the thought of them still caring and loving me, and my brother, is simply unimaginable.

I do realize how much older my mom and dad are getting but still I can't seem to bring myself to really go all out for them. Maybe in due time I'll get past the memories and start caring more for my parents.

'Seeking Out The Signs'

Yesterday's Star paper had an article on suicide by Dr Herbert Mandell, which listed down the reasons for suicide as well as its warning signs. It was an interesting read but what bugged me slightly was the sentence 'it's best to know the signs of danger'.

Truthfully, in the current world of stress, would anyone even notice signs such as 'crying easily', 'exhaustion', or 'low self-esteem', which to some people are common behaviour when dealing with problems and trials? In a society caught up in self-interest with people too busy going about their daily life, would anyone even care?

Some warning signs can be physically seen such as 'change in appearance', but there are some that are not 'in your face' or not noticable immediately, such as 'decrease in grades' and 'diminished involvement in usual interests'. Usually when your grades drop, people would either scold you or tell you to work harder. You won't see people looking at your low marks and commenting, 'Are you thinking of committing suicide?' As for the diminished interest in activities, people would usually assume that you're too busy or simply lost interest.

Another warning sign is 'creating artwork or writing or listening to music on death/dying'. Seriously, coming from an ex-suicidal person, when someone really wants to die, they would just go and do it. They won't show their writings and artworks or leave it lying around. They would hide their intention from family and friends. Similar to anorexics who would bundle themselves in baggy bulky clothing to hide their skinny figure, force-vomit themselves in a locked and secluded toilet, and cunningly create excuses not to eat. They won't admit they have a problem.

When you can actually see the signs, it means that the potential victim is actually seeking for help by telling you or subtly showing you that they are unhappy or unable to cope with life. They may talk or think about disappearing from the world, but really, they are scared. But like I mentioned before, how many people would actually notice these signs or take time to listen and understand what they are saying?

A few months back, there was another article on depression and suicide in The Star. The author stated that it is not the fault of the victim for feeling worthless, it is the fault of society who does not have any compassion or time to understand them. Once, someone confessed her intention to 'disappear' to a friend, however what she got drove her even further down the depression road. Basically, what the friend did was compare the problems of a suicidal person with the problems of a soon-to-be-wed person, and stated that 'the wedding couple has even bigger problems than you'. So does that mean the person who wants to kill himself is secondary to one who is facing wedding preparations?

Society has gotten so used to death, what with all the reports of people murdering people and people hanging or killing themselves, that the news of suicide is no longer shocking or taboo. Last year, a group of Japanese students killed themselves in a mass suicide around the country. In Singapore, you'll hear case after case of people hanging themselves due to numerous reasons such as debt, low grades and depression. In Malaysia, one suicide case among many was the Indian mother who positioned herself on the railway tracks with her children, awaiting an oncoming train.

The signs are there but would you be able to see or notice it? Even those who tried to let out their intention might not be able to get through to their close ones, unless they say outright 'I want to kill myself'.

The Starting of a Dream

Well, anyone who knows me in-depth knows that one of my dreams has always been to open my own bookstore, and guess what? The dream came true!!!

While it's exciting and exhilirating to see everything coming alive, it's very, very, VERY scary. Very. I'm telling you, the days leading up to the soft opening were nerve-wrecking, filled with tears. Hahaha, when I think back to those days, I can't help but laugh at myself.

However, I will never forget the feeling, the fear. Even now the fear is flowing in my veins, running me cold all over. The negative thoughts, the potential setbacks, the possibility of failure. Though there were many times I broke down, I have to thank my friends and family for encouraging me on, especially my brother. Without them, most likely Thousand Tales will never even see the light of day, just nestled in my imagination.

We are in Day Three and as expected, business is slow. It has been estimated that business will boom in maybe 6 months due to people moving into the apartments and the business centre opposite us. I'm keeping my fingers crossed. :)

Moving Along

I have moved on. Enough said. So goodbye to you, and may I say good riddance to the coward.

Vengence

The lengths people go through to satisfy their thirst for revenge are limitless. Sometimes I wonder what this world is going to be like in the future with people like this in it.

You are not satisfied until you bring the person you target as low as you can, crumbling them to pieces that may never be properly fixed again. You laugh as they weep, you celebrate as they struggle, you go happily about your life as they attempt to crawl back up. Well, you seem to have forgotten something.

You think you're so mighty, playing games with people's heart and mind; you are not. You think you're satisfied with your vengence; you'll never be satisfied. You think that your target can't harm you in return; they will, but it won't be your target that will do something to you. It will be God.

You know who you are. Though you're trying to take your target down in whatever way possible, keep in mind that one day the same thing you did to your target could happen to you. It's karma. It's the way of the world.

I only have one thing to say to you; you're a coward. If you want to harm your target so badly, then do it to their face. You got something to say, then say it to their face. Hurting someone behind their back only confirms what type of person you really are. So either stop your wretched vengeful way or gather enough courage to face your target head on.

I pity you. Not the victim but the one causing the pain. I wonder how you can live with yourself.