Double Meaning English

You know as well as I do that there are times when you simply don't realize what you're saying until someone starts laughing at you. It doesn't mean you're ignorant or anything, sometimes people can't help but think 'blue thoughts' when they hear certain words or phrases. Let's face it, we all have a hidden pervert somewhere deep down inside of us. :blush: Here are some instances when our well-meaning English just went haywire.

* * *

M was talking on the phone with a meat supplier. She was trying to purchase a turkey for an event and her 'blue headed' colleague, Mr S, was listening in on her side of the conversation.

M: Do you think you can supply us with a turkey for this event we're holding? Yeah, but I need to know...uh-huh, alrite. How big is your bird? No, I need to know how big your bird is. Yeah, how big is your bird?

Mr S was just guffawing away until M realized what exactly she kept repeating to the male supplier on the phone.

* * *

On a shopping trip, M saw a t-shirt that she thought was really cute. Holding it up to herself, she saw that the t-shirt was too big for her so she called the girl sales assistant over.

M: Do you have an 'S'? Can I see your 'S' please? (At this point, M's friend started laughing aloud at what he just heard with his 'dirty' ears.)

Sales assistant: Yes, yes, I will show you the 'S'. (Hearing this, M's friend started laughing even harder.)

* * *

While driving towards our destination, my friends and I were discussing which road was the best to take. Either direction would take us to the same destination and as I was the driver, it didn't matter to me as I was familiar with both roads.

So I said, "I can go both ways. Either way also can. No problem for me."

Suddenly, my friend, S, started giggling in the backseat, tickled by the fact that I was perhaps talking about my sexual relationship preferences.

* * *

Hanging out with my cousins at an eatery, we were munching on french fries when one cousin started to cut the long french fries into bite sizes.

S: No, don't cut them. I like long ones.

A: But it's easier to eat them when they're short.

N: I like them short. So S can have the long ones, give me the short ones.

It took us about a second to realize what our conversation sounded like and we started laughing at ourselves.

* * *

A family was celebrating their child's birthday and had balloons blown up for the occasion at an eatery.

The father, who was holding a balloon, looked at his young son and said, "Look at my balloon. My balloon so small. Wah, look at yours. Your balloon so big, bigger than mine."

My cousins and I, who were sitting at the next table, had to refrain from laughing at the 'double meaning' we heard in his words.

* * *

Driving back from a short outing, my cousin and I ended up talking about balloons and the sound they make when you rub them.

A: Oooh, I cannot. I'm scared of balloons. Scared they will pop.

Me: How can you be scared of balloons? You love blowing balloons.

Glancing at each other, we broke out in loud laughter inside the car.

* * *

Yes, some of the instances are very lame and most people won't even realize the implications. ?:-) But then, sometimes you just get into that state of mind when everything said seems to have a 'dirty' element/meaning in it. :sidefrown:

Stranded 2

Writing about my mom forgetting me in the first Stranded post reminded me of another incident when she left me behind.....in a foreign country. :wilt:

On a group tour in Thailand one year, the bus brought us to this gigantic mall-like place where they sell local spices and ingredients. The whole busload came down so there were alot of us here and there in the shop. Being a young teenager, I stuck with my mom the entire time and eventually got bored. Standing a few feet away from her as she bargained and chitchatted with the counter lady, I turned around to watch the other counters.

It was a few minutes later when I turned back to my mom, only to find her missing. I shrugged inwardly, thinking she must be just a few counters away. So I walked around slowly and started to notice that the group I was touring with were getting less and less. Thinking that some of them have gotten bored and went back on the bus, I continued my search for my shopaholic mom. Going completely around the entire shop, my worry grew steadily as my mom stayed missing.

I peered through the glass front door and saw that the bus was still there so I didn't start to panic yet. Walking a few feet away from the door, I heard running footsteps and saw my mom bursting through the door.

Apparently, after buying her stuff, she looked at her watch and hurried to the bus. Sitting in her seat, she started to put her purchases away and heard the tour guide asking if everyone was on board. My mom nodded and said 'yes' along with the group as she finally leaned comfortably into her seat. She glanced at the seat next to her and only then did she realize that she had left her daughter behind. She yelled at the tour guide to wait as she flew down the bus steps to get me.

I still can't believe to this day how my mom can actually not realize she had left her daughter behind. Suffice to say, I was not happy with her for that entire day. :smug:

Stranded

Have you ever been stranded somewhere, either by yourself or by other people? I have gone through some really humourous (well, it's funny now but it wasn't back then) times of being stranded. Here's one my cousin recently reminded me. She said she'll never forget this as long as she lives.

Back when I was younger, I kept hanging out at my cousin's house in Shah Alam (about 25 minutes drive from my house). Either my dad or mom would send me there and pick me up after they were done with their chores and work. So one day, my mom sent another cousin and I over to play.

As usual, just before evening, my mom came to pick us up, and here I have to relate my cousin's side of this experience.

My cousin was already settled in the back seat with all her stuff while I was still standing outside the car with my door ajar. Suddenly, my mom put her car into gear and started to slowly drive the car away. With my door still ajar, I sarcastically said, "Bye, mom" but still she drove on and the movement of the car caused the door to close lightly.

My cousin, who was in the car, could only look at my Shah Alam cousin and I through the rear window as we slowly became small specks in her view. She turned quickly to the front and said to my mom, "Auntie, isn't your daughter following us back?" To which my mom did not reply.

My poor cousin thought my mom was angry and so she kept quiet, not daring to say anything more. Just as they were reaching the highway toll, which was about 5 minutes from my Shah Alam cousin's house, my mom asked me, "Is my book there at the backseat?" When there was no answer from me, she repeated her question. That's when my cousin burst out in a panic, "She's not here!!"

It took my mom 5 minutes before she realized that her daughter was not in the car with her. When she first drove away, my Shah Alam cousin and I thought she was joking or will notice my absence just before she turned off the road. We could only stand there and stare after the car, my cousin in puzzled wonderment and me in a somewhat nonchalant anger with my hands folded across my chest. Apparently, we were still standing in the driveway when my mom sped back down the road to the house. :sweat:

A School Story 2

Here's a school story that I don't remember but my high school friends do.

One day, four of us decided to walk to Subang Parade to meet up with some friends. Keiko was terribly tired and lagged behind slightly with Dyna while Michelle and I was up front. The walkway we were on was just opposite Subang Parade, where a stall was selling 'pisang goreng' (fried banana) nearby a huge drain.

Being in front, Michelle and I were not aware of what was happening but as Dyna and Keiko remember it, it went like this.

Keiko, being tired, was not obvious to her surroundings and simply walked on, not even noticing that she has somehow walked right into the drain path and fell into it. Standing in the drain, with only her head sticking slightly out, she wondered why her view has gotten distorted and puzzled over why she could only see legs. She stared for awhile, still standing in the drain, before it finally registered in her head that people were laughing and that she had somehow fallen in without even realizing it.

Pity her, as she tried to climb out by herself, the rest of us were too busy laughing to help. :rotfl:

A Uni Story

Okie, enough with the serious posts for now. It's time to look at the funnier side of life with a story I remember from my university days in Perth, Australia.

You know how it's wrong to drink and drive? Well, you might get away with it in Malaysia but in Perth, the policemen are much more dutiful and are not at all susceptible to bribes.

Anyway, a group of guys decided to grab a bite to eat at a nearby burger joint in the wee hours of the morning. They had been up all night drinking and were all totally sloshed over. However, even in their drunken state, they still managed to think about their safety (and the huge fine for drinking-and-driving), and so they appointed the least drunk guy to drive.

Since it was very early in the morning (or very late at night, whichever you please), only the drive-through was opened. Just as they reached the burger joint, one of them, who had been staring out the window in a hazy daze, saw a police patrol car parked right beside the drive-through. They stopped the car, fearing that the police might pull them over. Some of them thought maybe it was best to just turn around and go elsewhere but the others were too hungry. And so, they came up with a clever plan.

One by one, a car would pull up to the drive-through, order and drive off. In the middle of the lined-up cars was a lone man, waiting patiently for his turn at the drive-through counter and nonchalantly walking up to place his order. The counter guy and the police must have been used to such weird sights in Perth for they didn't even bat an eye.

Grabbing the take-out bags, the guy made his way back to his companions where they ate in the car until they were sure one of them was sober enough to drive them all back to their student housing.

Not bad for a group of drunken guys. It proves that your brain still functions even though it's intoxicated by alcohol, or maybe the alcohol actually helps. 8)

April Fool's Day Story

It's April Fool Day, or is it April Fool's Day? I never did get the hang of the spelling of this humourous day. Anyway, a few people were making a big hoo-ha of April Fool's Day on Facebook and it reminded me of a prank my housemate back in Australia did to our mutual friend. I don't know how it started though so I can only relate the parts I was physically there.

I slid the glass door open and entered my student housing's living room. From the voices I heard coming from the first bedroom, I guessed that my housemate had company. I yelled out a simple 'Hi!' as I dumped my sling bag and books on the dining table.

Muffled footsteps made their way towards me and I looked up to see my friend, Edwin. However, I don't think he noticed me as he was staring intently at a light bulb he was grasping with both hands.

He stopped a few feet near me and I asked him quizzically, "What are you doing?"

Without looking up, he answered, "Azreena told me that she can light up a bulb just by concentrating her energy to it. She said I can do it too if I focus, so I'm trying it now."

His grip slackened momentarily and he let out a soft sigh before firming his grasp on the bulb again. I could veins sticking slightly out of his forehead in his effort.

I stared at him, my mouth slightly opened in disbelief, but I kept silent. More muffled footsteps sounded and the 'kinetic' woman entered the room with a mischievious smile on her face. I moved towards her and asked in a whisper, "How long has he been doing that?"

"5 minutes," she replied with a soft snicker.

By this time, Edwin must have realized that something was amiss based on our whispered conversation as he looked up from the bulb at us and noticed the grin on Azreena's face.

"You were pulling my leg, weren't you?" he yelled. "I thought it was impossible but since you said you could do it, I thought I'd try too. I can't believe I held the light bulb that long."

"I can't believe you didn't realize it when she said it," I replied, joining in Azreena's laughter.

That's only one of a long list of stories I could relate from my university days. I wonder what pranks people will be doing today. Have fun, but please remember, pranks are meant to be fun, not mean. Laugh with the people you are joking with, not laugh at them. Enjoy!!

Unique Individuals

There are many wonders in this world and I believe humans are the most wondrous being on Earth simply because everyone is a unique individual. No two people are exactly the same, even twins. However, what I think makes humans the subject of atttention is the sheer stupidity they sometimes have, even with all that brain power God has generously given.

I received this in my email the other day and it simply must be shared. Not because it's fun to laugh at people or to put these people in a bad light. I'm posting it because at one time or other, I'm sure we ALL have gone through a similar situation before, including me. Enjoy. :D

****

One day, I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted, 'Look at that dead bird!'  Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where???'

***

While looking at a house, my brother asked the estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, 'Does the sun rise  in the north?' When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, 'Oh, I don't  keep up with that stuff.'

****

My colleague and I  were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach. She drove down in a convertible, but 'didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving'.

***

I told the girl at the steakhouse register that I wanted the half  kilogram sirloin. She informed me they only had an 500g sirloin. Not wanting to make a scene, I told her I would take the 500g steak instead of the half-kilogram.

****

My sister has a  lifesaving tool in her car, it's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the car trunk...

***

My friends and I  were on a Lager run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount....

****

I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, 'Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?'  I had to explain that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned...

***

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, 'Has your plane arrived yet?'...

****

While working at a pizza parlour, I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. 'Just cut it into 4  pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.'

What I found hilarious was the sentence right at the end of the e-mail. Someone wrote: "Sadly, not only do they walk among us, they also reproduce!!!!" :lol:

A Night for Shellfish

I've been looking through my old posts and just realized a humourous story that I think I wrote elsewhere but never posted here. This is a true story as related to me by a friend I've worked with during one of the plays by The Oral Stage crew (check out their site at http://www.theoralstage.com/ , they haven't been active so far this year, though).

Prakash was in charge of booking a venue for his college's prom night so he called up one of the hotels to inquire the rental and whatever deal they could provide.

Prakash: "Hello. I'm calling to book your hall for an event. Can you help me out?"

Receptionist: "Yes. May I ask what's the event?"

Prakash: "It's for my college. We're having a prom night."

Receptionist: "I see. If you can tell me the date, I will check to see if it's available."

Prakash: "Ok."

Receptionist: "By the way, will you be bringing your own prawns?"

Prakash: "I'm sorry?"

Receptionist: "For your prawn night. Will you be bringing your own prawns or do you need us to supply them for you?"

Prakash: "It's a PROM night. Not a prawn night! It's a PROM night!"

Needless to say, both callers were embarrassed by the mistake. I wonder what made the receptionist think someone would actually organize a PRAWN night. Are there anyone who's crazy in love with prawns to pay tribute to these shellfish? Hmmm, I never did find out whether Prakash actually rented that same hall. :lol:

Toilet Humour Part 2

Back in 12th December 2008, I shared my first story, titled Toilet Humour, of being locked in a toilet. Well, it doesn't end there. Here's another 'toilet humour' to share with you.

One night, my step-mother's nephew decided to sleep over at her house. They let him sleep in the guest bedroom, which was on the ground floor, away from the living room and the stairs that lead to the upstairs bedrooms. He had unpacked his bag and was about to go to bed when he needed to answer the 'call of nature'.

Now, here's something you need to know about the guest bathroom. The bathroom has two doors; one adjoint with the bedroom and the other to the music room, which is right beside the guest room. Both doors have lock-knobs that enable a person to lock the toilet door from outside and inside the bathroom. Do not ask me who is the genius behind this crazy doorlock system.

So, this nephew apparently went into the bathroom from the music room (I have no idea why) and was ignorant of the fact that the other toilet door was locked from inside his bedroom, so he couldn't get out that way. He had to get out the same way he got in. Unfortunately.....my step-mother went through her nightly ritual of checking the locks on doors and windows, and unknowingly pulled the lock-knob of the music room's toilet door, therefore imprisoning her nephew in the toilet.

By the time the nephew realized he was locked in the bathroom, everyone else had gone upstairs. He knocked, he yelled, he knocked some more, but still no help arrived. He couldn't even call the house or his aunt because he had left his handphone on his bed in the bedroom, and what more, the windows were high up the wall and barred.

In the end, he resigned himself to sleeping in the bathtub, all the way from before midnight to just before dawn when the maid awoke and rescued him as she was going about her morning cleaning duties. You can be sure that he'll have a phobia with his aunt's toilet after this event. :lol:

Weird Phone Calls

I'm sure you've been through this before; someone calls you and you tell them it's the wrong number and yet they call again and again, or some stranger starts to ask you even stranger questions. Well, I've had my fair share of weird phone calls and here's one of my weirdest calls.

A few years back, an unknown number called me in the afternoon. I answered it, thinking perhaps it's one of my friends using a new number, or something. A male voice replied my 'hello' and started asking some odd questions.

"Hello," he said, "Is this the number to call about the shop rental?"

"I'm sorry?" I answered. "I think you have the wrong number."

"But this is the number written for the rental."

"I'm not renting anything. I think you have the wrong number," I repeated.

"Well, what's the number then?"

My face started to frown. "I don't know but this isn't the number you're looking for."

"If you don't know and I don't know, then how?" he said, sounding a little annoyed.

I looked at the phone quizzically, still frowning, and finally just jabbed the 'end' button. He didn't call again, thank God.

Look, it's pretty simple. If you're calling for something and the person on the other end is telling you they have no idea what you're talking about, then PUT DOWN THE PHONE!! Or check the number that you dialled again. The whole world doesn't revolve around you, you know. :P

Toilet Humour

Have you heard of stories or have a personal experience of being locked in a toilet? Well, just to cheer myself up (and all of you out there), I thought I'd share some 'toilet humour'.

One day when the cousins had an outing at Midvalley Megamall, the eldest girl needed to go to the loo. Since it was a public holiday, the rest of us knew that there was going to be a very long queue so we told her we would wait for her at the nearby shops. After nearly 10 minutes have passed, we all went to see what was the hold-up. Surely the queue couldn't be that bad.

As we stood outside the entrance, one of us went to check the line but when we couldn't find her anywhere, we thought she must still be in the loo or has gone out to find us. Just as I was about to dial her number, her name popped up on my caller screen.

"Where are you? Still in the toilet?" I asked.

"You have to come help me. I'm stuck," my eldest cousin replied, slightly panicked.

"Stuck? What do you mean stuck? Stuck where?"

"I'm stuck in the toilet."

"How can you be stuck there?"

"I can't get the door to open. I've been trying and trying. Pushing, pulling, it won't open," her voice rising slightly through the speaker.

Laughing, I told the girls what was happening and all four of us went helter-skelter into the washroom. We called her name to find which stall she was in and she stuck her foot out from under the very first stall. The women queuing for the toilet just watched the impromptu entertainment show as we tugged and pushed the door. It was true, it wouldn't open. We asked her to try the lock again but she said she had turned it all the way and it still wouldn't open.

Just as we thought we needed to get hold of the maintanence people, I saw that the outside lock had a groove that would just fit a Malaysian 10 cent coin. Vaguely remembering a scene from somewhere, I dug out a coin from my jean pocket and fitted it into the lock and turned.

Lo and behold, the toilet door opened.

When she saw us, she fiercely hugged the closest cousin to her and instead of coming out, she dragged the cousin into the stall to prove that the lock was indeed faulty. Apparently, even though the latch was turned all the way, after years of wear and tear, a small piece of it managed to get stuck in the lock, creating (cue eerie music) 'the toilet stall that can never be opened from the inside'.

And so we left, laughing and teasing her as we went on with our shopping, and later in the day, we returned to the same washroom as another cousin needed to answer the call of nature. There, we discovered that yet another poor soul has gotten herself stuck in the toilet and her friend had to call the cleaning lady, who was there at the time, to open the door. She used the exact same coin trick I had earlier. The thing is instead of locking the stall to prevent further use (and further imprisonment), the cleaning lady just left it as it is. I pity the woman who would be the foul demonic stall's next victim. I'll pity her even more if she was all alone and it was near the mall's closing time with no one around to notice her predicament. :D